


Say You Won't Let Go

by troyiesivanie



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Cheesy, Christmas, Dan has anxiety, Drinking, Drinking Games, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Halloween, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mutual Pining, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Phanfiction, Songfic, Troye Sivan References, Wedding, artist!Phil, iceskating, piano!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 00:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12852807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troyiesivanie/pseuds/troyiesivanie
Summary: "His hair was pushed out of his face and the glow of the fire caught golden flakes in his eyes. As sappy as it sounded, it was like the stars had come down from the sky to rest in his eyes."A series of snapshots in the life of Dan and Phil following the verses of the song “Say You Won’t Let Go”





	1. I met you in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in January of this year. On every to do list was a reminder to write this and now it’s all done and out in the world. I really hope you enjoy it, it’s a song fic full of a thousand references to other songs to have fun spotting all of those! And if you happen to enjoy it and want to nominate it for best song fic in the [Phanfic Awards](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/) I won't object ;)
> 
> Now for some thanks yous: Thank you to my wonderful beta [crypticgf](http://crypticgf.tumblr.com/) for fixing all my mistakes (I’m v sorry it was such a mess) I couldn’t have done this without you!  
> Thank you to my artist who made the most beautiful art [zimorska](https://zimorska.tumblr.com/) and who also wrote an amazing fic that you can check out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12737085)!
> 
> Also a thank you to [kitkattaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkattaylor/pseuds/kitkattaylor) for when we had a writing day in Manchester, I never would have finished this story without that (and for showing me Sleeping At Last because the lyrics fit perfectly) and for letting me ramble on about this non stop!
> 
> Anyways enough of me talking! Enjoy! x

_I met you in the dark_  
_You lit me up_  
_You made me feel as though_  
_I was enough_

~

"I don't even know why I agreed to come to this," I grumbled under my breath, and watched as Louise did another shot, followed by the sounds of her friends screaming and shouting for more. They seemed to regard me as apart of their group but I don't know if I'd consider them my friends. I saw them at all of these parties I go to, but I can't for the life of me say anything about them. It's not like I hadn't talked to them; they did make an effort the first few times I came, but I guess I was so scared to muck up my words or make a fool of myself that they stopped trying and I ended up as the quiet one in the corner. Plus, by the time I worked up the courage to go and join them, they are beyond drunk and it's impossible to make any sort of conversation. It was better this way anyway, I'm happy with my one friend, no one can hurt me. To be honest, I just want to make Louise happy. She is my only friend after all, and at the end of the night when I drag her back home it's slightly worth it to hear her drunkenly gush to me about how happy she is that I came. Besides, someone has to pay the babysitter, make sure Darcy is safe and tucked in and leave some water and painkillers next to Louise's bed so she can be a mum in the morning.

Tonight I'd been feeling pretty low, even though I had been really excited about this party. I don't know what it was about Halloween but I love it so much. The costumes, candy, theming, spookiness, I love every part of it. Though I wouldn't admit that to Louise; she thinks I didn’t even try. My ‘costume’ was an orange jumper with a spiderweb on it. For my standards, I’d actually put in a great amount of effort. But even with the Halloween vibes, I couldn’t seem to drag my mind out of the self-loathing gutter it had fallen into. _I'm not good enough, my whole life is a failure, no one cares about me._ Before I could continue down the dark maze in my mind, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around see a familiar face, a 'friend' from my old job, Cat.

"Hi Dan," I saw her smile and I put on my best to match her happy mood, even though I wasn’t at all feeling the same.

"Have you been in the maze yet?" Another reason that I had agreed to tonight is that this party was, in fact, a haunted house that they'd built a maze through. Someone's grandparent’s place full of spooky dolls and old furniture. I had to admit I was actually intrigued by this idea but I had yet to go through the maze, as I didn't want to go by myself. I was just waiting for Louise who told me twenty minutes ago that she was getting just one more drink.

"Nah, I'm just finishing off my drink first," I said, and gave my "bloody" cocktail a shake. It was actually just a fruit punch with red food dye mixed in, but I appreciated the effort. She shook her own cocktail in return. I did wonder why my friendship with Cat never picked up, maybe it had something to do with how the only thing we had in common was the place we used to work. She was a nice person but we never seemed to connect at all, and all of our conversations were just about what we did on the weekend. I turned back to the party and looked just in time to see Louise stumble into me. I lifted my drink up high, not wanting it to spill as she clung onto me.

"Dan! Let's go in the maze," I placed the drink down on the table quickly before I waved to a giggling Cat as I got dragged away. Seconds later, I was met with the entrance to the maze; creepy archway drenched in cobwebs. Beyond that was just darkness, fog, and spooky music. To Louise, I rolled my eyes but internally I knew I was excited. The feel of the cotton cobwebs on my arm dampened my excitement when I realised it was going to be a whole lot more cringeworthy than I’d thought. I felt Louise grip onto my arm a little tighter before she dragged me forward, ready to face what's on the other side. I pushed the cobwebs out of the way and the noise of the party grew faint as we walked down the hallway, the sound of the music out of a little speaker wasn’t really adding to the atmosphere but I still appreciated the effort. After a few more steps it suddenly cut out. My head whipped around to where I thought it had played from. But it had become dead silent, excluding the voices from the party now sounded like whispers drifting around us, and the sound of the creaky floorboards as we continued. Louise gripped my arm tighter, if possible and I wasn’t cringing anymore, the spooks settled in. I took one more shaky step before out of nowhere, a door to our left opened on its own. Louise let out a little excited squeak and we creeped closer to the door to inspect it. Right when she got her face in view of what was inside the door, a loud bang erupted from the other side, followed by a skeleton that appeared out of nowhere. A high pitched scream burst out of my mouth; Louise left my arm as she bolted forward into the pitch black of the next room. I stood frozen, having taken a few steps back, glancing towards the skeleton which looked surprisingly real in the low light.

"Louise!" I called out, hoping that she’d come back. A chill crept up my spine when I realised I was all alone. I took a deep breath and headed forward into the next room. My mind kept telling me to turn around, but I had to finish this, it was just some amateur haunted house, not that scary at all. Whatever was beyond the doorway in front of me was pitch black. Even with the small amount of light currently in this hallway, I could not see a thing. I took a single step inside, one foot still out ready to run at the first sign of danger.

"Louise?" I asked, my voice much smaller than before. It wasn't like this was one of my biggest fears or anything: being alone in the dark waiting for the girl from the ring to grab me. I took a deep breath and stepped fully into the room. As soon as I was fully inside the door, it slammed shut behind me. My vocal cords reached a new high, screaming so loud I was sure I had just laid an egg. I ran forward away from the door, only to be met with a wall that my head collided with. I hissed in pain and put my hands out in front of me, feeling the wall. I trailed my fingers around the room, eager to reach the door and get out. Eventually, they grasped a door frame and I reached for the handle. Of course it was locked. _Do I need to find a key, is it the door I just came through?_ I kept going around the room, until I realised there was only one door in this room. _How am I meant to get out?! Where did Louise end up? Can I even get out of here? What if I'm trapped in here all night?_ I lowered myself to the ground, eager to find a key or some other way to escape. When my hands touched the floor I realised just how panicked I actually was, when I felt my arms shake against the floor. I patted around the edges of the room to look for a key. I got to one corner and felt a real cobweb trail up my arm.

"Nope nope nope," I backed away and went to balance my arm against the wall, only I fell backwards as what I thought was the wall was only a piece of black fabric. My head made it through the gap, hit the floor and I was momentarily confused until I realised I must have found the exit. After I recovered from my little fall I carefully flipped over and crawled the rest of the way through. The room in front of me was once again pitch black, which didn't help my fast heartbeat or quick breath. _Remind me again why I was excited to do this?_ I stayed low to the ground hoping not to bump into any more of the cobwebs; my plan failed when I felt something touch my arm. I froze when I felt someone's fingers wrap themselves around my arm. As if my last scream wasn't loud enough, that one reached a new high. I frantically moved away from whatever had grabbed me, my mind imagined everything from the ring girl to the devil, the movement backfired when our heads collided against each other. I whimpered and my heartbeat went impossibly faster with the jolt of pain to my head.

"Didn't know I scared you that much," they said, laughing slightly before they let go of my arm. Immediately, I scooted away from them until I collided with the wall. My hands felt shaky and I tried to calm myself down after I had heard the voice of the stranger who didn't sound anything like the creepy child or devil or demon that I imagined. Suddenly, a blinding light filled the room, and lit me up. I flinched and covered my eyes with my arms.

"Hey, you don't need to be scared now," the stranger whispered, I took my arms away from my eyes, which I noticed were shaking quite badly. I crossed them over my chest, hoping that if I held them tight enough they would stop. My eyes followed the streak of light, and saw it came out the stranger’s phone. I couldn't see anything behind the light, so I took the opportunity to look around the room, which was now less scary without all the darkness. I saw the gap I had just crawled through behind me and an empty room, minus something that looked to be a bench or a stool in the corner. Everything was draped in black fabric and the only exit seemed to be a door at the back of the room. _How the hell did Louise get through this?_ My eyes then traveled to the figure in front of me.

"I'm Phil, by the way," they said and shone the light more towards himself so I could see. The first thing I noticed was his welcoming smile. It drew me in and made me feel at ease. Then I noticed that his eyes were a pretty shade of blue, only I could get lost in a stranger's eyes in a weird situation like this. I took his outstretched hand, expecting a shake only for him to pull me up off the ground. He pulled me up a little too fast and I stumbled forward into his chest. He chuckled at my clumsiness, wrapped an arm around my shoulder, steered me over to the nearby bench, and passed me a bottle of water. I nodded in thanks and shakily took off the lid. It seemed my body couldn't tell there wasn't a risk anymore.

"I know you have a voice, considering how loud you screamed, but do you have a name?" Phil asked.

"Dan," my voice came out in a whisper. As soon as I told him I heard the noise of a door slamming shut and a person shrieked. I jumped, confused before remembering we were in a haunted house.

"Quick," he shut off the torch and we were plunged back into darkness. He put his hand on my shoulder, came close to me whispered, and sent a shiver down my spine, "we have to scare them."

"Your eyes will adjust to the dark, then you just grab them on the leg or something," I resisted the urge to whisper back something about consent when his warm grip left my shoulder and I was left sat in the corner. He was right though, after a moment of focusing, my eyes started to adjust and I could see his shadow crouched next to the little gap I'd come through not that long ago. After a moment I heard the person giggle and their hand popped through the gap. _At least my entrance would have been a whole lot more entertaining for Phil, could you imagine watching someone fall through backwards?_ Another hand, followed by a head that darted around the room trying to see in the dark, came through. They didn't look very far before Phil grabbed their arm and they let out a little scream again. Only a second later they laughed and Phil was laughing too. A pang of jealousy shot through me when I realised that that probably should have been my reaction instead of falling into a mini panic attack, even now after I'd had all of that time to calm down, my hands were still shaking. I looked back to the pair when Phil spoke, his voice much lower, trying to create a sense of spookiness.

"Through the next door to escape," he said and they giggled before they stood up and headed to the door. When they opened it, we were flooded with a faint green light, I looked past them and tried to see the next part of the maze. I didn’t get a good look before they walked through and Phil closed it behind them with a slam; they laughed again from beyond the door. _Imagine laughing so much at a haunted house, it's meant to be scary!_ I jumped when I felt Phil sit down next to me. His calm hands found my panicked ones and held them tight for a long moment until I felt them calm. He lit up his phone screen between us so we could see.

"Sorry I scared you before, it's kind of my job,"

"I wasn't that scared,"

"Dan," Phil's tone was stern but warm, "you only just stopped shaking," I scoffed and went to rip my hands from his to cross them over my chest but he only held them tighter. I gave up fighting and resisted the urge to tell him it was only because his hand felt so warm in mine.

"It's cold?" I said but it cames out more as a question. I sighed, and gave into this stranger's way of getting me to open up, "I might be afraid of the dark,"

"I'm afraid of horses,"

"I'm afraid of trees,"

"I'm afraid of the ocean,"

"I'm afraid of -"

"It's not a contest," he said with a laugh, and I was taken aback by the sound as I didn’t think I'd ever loved a laugh after I’d only heard it once. In the way my eyes had adjusted, I could just see his tongue poke out between his teeth.

"So what brings you to the haunted house anyway?" After that, the conversation between us flowed so naturally, it wasn't like chatting with people at my old job where I felt like I was constantly overthinking conversation topics and asking questions about their favourite animal just to fill the silence. Sat there with Phil, we’d jumped from talking about his last trip to Australia to me ranting about my love for condiments for a whole minute. I didn't feel like I needed to try, it had never felt so natural. Even with Louise, she had almost forced our friendship together with constant pestering until I liked her, but there, right then with Phil, I told him things I wouldn't have dreamt of saying to anyone else. Granted, our flow of words were interrupted a few times by people who came through the maze. The conversation took a more serious route after I mentioned I didn't have any friends in high school and he agreed.

"Most people just thought I was weird, and kind of avoided me. Well, they still do," I looked at him strangely, and wondered who had put these thoughts into his head. Only I realised that I’d thought the same thing about myself quite often. I had never felt quite like I ‘fit in’ with others, and from what we’d talked about that night, I could tell Phil felt the same. The only difference between us and the others out there getting drunk, was that we didn't try to fit in. We made our own path in life and didn’t change to meet others expectations.

"I don't think you're weird, just different,"

"Different?" Phil’s face went all scrunched up, his voice came out in a defensive tone. I shook my head frantically.

"Good different!" I said. He was silent for a moment after that, "I'm quite strange myself," I added when I pondered over my earlier thoughts.

"Well normalness leads to sadness," he said and gave me one of his cheesy smiles again. He'd said little phrases like that throughout the night, and I was always fascinated by the way his brain worked. This one stuck with me the most when we picked up our conversation again, something about a ghost dog he had once met. All the people out at the party I met had wanted nothing to do with me once I acted like myself, and done something a little out of the ordinary. But with Phil, it was like we balanced each other out, he made me feel as though I was enough.

After I had mentioned that my celebrity crush was Evan Peters, his demeanour changed and he scooted a bit closer to me even with the limited seating space.

"You know, I don't know if I could pick just one celebrity. They're all so pretty," he said and placed his hand onto my knee. “I quite like Michael Cera,” I could only hope his thoughts followed mine and now I knew he liked boys too. His hand felt warm on my knee but the room felt colder, but the shiver sent down my spine was from anything but the temperature of the room.

"I've really enjoyed chatting with you tonight Dan," Phil said, as he looked into my eyes. I tried to form words together in my head, tried to say anything to stop fixating on how close together we were and how much I liked it.

"It gets hard to meet people who I feel I connect with, especially being an artist, I don't get outside much, you've really made tonight worth it." His hand gripped my knee a little tighter and sent me a clear message. The other hand reached up to my arm. For a second it felt like my heart had skipped a beat and my breath had caught in my throat. It was the first time since I was twelve that someone had so genuinely and openly liked me. Sat there chatting and laughing with Phil, I'd felt truly happy, as cheesy as that sounded. Not that happy everyone gets, laughing at silly videos online or baking cakes with your friends or listening to your favourite music, not that kind of fleeting happy. The true kind of happy I could feel within me that I hadn't felt in such a long time. It felt almost like a wave of emotion crashing over me. It took me awhile to react to Phil's advances and maybe Phil thought I didn’t feel the same, as he moved his hand off of my knee and turned his head away from mine. I quickly grabbed his hand before it slipped off, gripped it tight and pulled his attention towards me.

"This is one of the greatest nights I've had in a very long time," I cursed myself for sounding so gushy but he turned back to me, his face was suddenly very close to mine. It'd been an hour of back and forth of flirting between us. _He must want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him, right?_ My thought was answered when I felt his other hand come up to touch the side of my face, he held my cheek in his palm.

"Is this okay?" he whispered, his face moved closer to mine. I nodded quickly and waited for him to fill the gap between our faces. Just before our lips touched, a slam followed by a scream from the next room had my head bang into Phil's and not in the way I'd just been imagining. Phil chuckled in my ear, moved away from me and his hand slipped out of mine. I wanted to grab on and not let him go, until I remembered he had to do his job and some person entering this room was expecting to be jump-scared, not to see two emo nerds making out in the corner.

I watched him from the bench as I’d done every time someone came through that part of the maze. It amazed me how he could do the same thing to each person with the same enthusiasm and passion as the last without getting bored. It seemed he just wanted to give everyone the best Halloween experience he could. After he'd slammed the door behind the person leaving he turned back to me. His mouth opened as if he was about to say something. In my head, I imagined it was 'let's pick up from where we left off', but before he could say anything, the wall with the gap people had been coming through was torn down and light flooded the room. My eyes hurt after being sat in the darkness for such a long time, now assaulted by the light.

"Oh hey Phil! That was the last person, we're taking it down now, I did try and text you but-" his sentence came to an abrupt halt when he noticed me sat in the corner.

"This is Dan, he joined me scaring people, they loved it," Phil said casually, "Dan, this is PJ," PJ's smile broadened as he reached his hand out to me. I politely shook it and felt slightly exposed sat there in the corner, very out of place. They chatted for a moment while I awkwardly fiddled with my fingers. After a while, I felt Phil place his hand on my shoulder and I stood next to him. He opened the door we'd watched so many people walk out of before, and I followed him out.

"See you later Phil! Nice to meet you Dan!" PJ said as we left, Phil waved back to him. It was a shame I never got to see the rest of the haunted house, as by the time we walked out they were taking down the decorations from the walls and pulling apart the maze. I was astounded by the amount of effort that they’d put into this. We headed out into the main hall where it seemed like hundreds of people were on the dance floor, the lights flashing, music blasting, a room of drunken fun.

"Shall we get a drink?"

~

It'd been an hour since we had left that little room, but I still found little things I admired in Phil's face every time I looked at him now that I could see him properly. I didn't know what had come over me. It had to be the alcohol, but Phil seemed to have an effect on me where everything I thought about him sounded like something out of a chick flick. Phil giggled in my ear as he pulled on my arm and got me out of my chair from where we'd been sat. He claimed it was his favourite song to dance to and even though I normally avoided a crowded dance floor, I let myself be dragged right into the middle of it. I awkwardly swayed from side to side, bopped my head and watched as Phil unashamedly waved his arms around to the tune. I couldn't help but laugh at his moves. He wrapped his arm around me and I stepped closer. As if the DJ knew, the song switched to something a little slower. The singer was Ed Sheeresee or something along those lines but I couldn’t seem to think with Phil that close, his face next to mine, his arms around me. His lips looked very inviting and I tried to build up some courage to ask if I could kiss him.

"Hey Phil, sorry to interrupt, but you don't know where that Dan is, do you?” PJ appeared beside us, his eyes were frantically glancing around the room.

“He’s right here,” Phil said and I untangled myself from him to give PJ a better look. Phil only then wrapped his arm around my waist, he didn’t want to let go just yet.

“There’s a girl called Louise, she’s quite sick and she’s been asking for you,” my eyes widened, and I stood up straighter with more urgency in my stance.

“Where is she?” I said, the determination to help my friend outshined my drunkenness.

“This way,” he took a step away from us and I took a step to follow halted when I realised Phil’s arm was still firmly around my waist.

"I'll be right back!" I said and gently pried his fingers off me.

“Promise?” he said, quite needily but I knew I would’ve been the same. We were so close to kissing for the second time, only to be interrupted again, I wouldn’t want him to leave me. I nodded and he let go fully. I quickly followed after PJ, pushed through the crowd of people, and looked back unable to see Phil once I’d gotten to the outside of the dance floor. I saw PJ stood next to the girl’s bathroom, awkwardly hovering outside. A girl popped her head out when PJ knocked as I came up beside him.

“Dan?” she asked and I nodded. She opened the door wider and I walked in feeling incredibly out of place in the girl’s bathroom, but I ignored that feeling. I came around the corner and saw Louise knelt over the toilet with her makeup smudged down her face. She turned to look at me, her face lit up.

"Dan!" she exclaimed and awkwardly wrapped her arms around my legs in a weird hug, "I'm sorry I ran off, I couldn't find you again," she said, only her words came out just a little sloppy and I could smell the intense alcohol on her breath even from up here. The girl behind me tapped my shoulder and passed me a makeup wipe and a bottle of water. I nodded in thanks, taking the items and knelt down next to Louise.

"Daniel, I love you," she gushed, as I wiped the mascara off her cheeks.

“You’re gonna have to drink some water, can you do that for me?” I asked, my voice soft and she shook her head frantically.

“Louise, for fuck’s sake, drink some water,” I said, a lot harsher. I’d dealt with a drunk Louise enough times to know that if the soft calm approach doesn’t work the first time, then you have to force her. She took the bottle and sipped it slowly. I sat on the floor with her for what felt like an hour, but was probably only about twenty minutes.

“Are you feeling any better?” I asked, and she nodded, passing me back the empty bottle. I stood and helped to pull her shakily to her feet. I fixed the buttons on her top and brushed the hair out of her eyes to keep her from embarrassing herself in front of all the partygoers out there. I held her shoulders and led her out of the tiny bathroom, nodding a thanks to the girl who guarded the door for us. Once out of the door, I wrapped one arm around her waist and walked us quickly out the exit, practically dragged her behind me. Once outside I sat her down on the grass, I sat with her and picked at strands as she gushed to me about how much she loved me once again. When it seemed like she felt better I pulled out my phone and ordered us an Uber.

In the Uber I looked up through the sunroof to the stars and blocked out the noise of Louise chatting happily to the Uber driver. The stars are lucky to me because as cheesy as it sounds the best things seem to happen at night. At 9pm on a family holiday, I found a private little beach to myself where I could sit and think. At midnight, when I got my school results and finally passed high school despite all the shit I went through. A knock at the window from Louise at 2am when we were kids. And tonight when I met Phil, I thank my lucky stars. It’s only then when we're a good twenty minutes away from the party that I remembered that I left Phil at the party and didn't even get his number.


	2. We danced the night away

_We danced the night away, we drank too much_  
_I held your hair back when_  
_You were throwing up_  
_Then you smiled over your shoulder_  
_For a minute, I was stone cold sober_  
_I pulled you closer to my chest_  
_And you asked me to stay over_  
_I said, I already told ya_  
_I think that you should get some rest_

~~

"Why would I want to go?"

"Come on Phil, this isn't like you, you haven't missed a single one of my parties," PJ pleaded with me, the desperation leaked into his tone. He was almost begging and he knew me well enough to know the pleading was working.

"I just think a pre-pre Christmas party is stupid," I grumbled, trying to give any excuse. I heard him sigh on the other side of the line as we both knew that was a lie. If anyone loved Christmas, it was me. Plus, I'd never missed one of PJ's parties, even when I had had the flu, I still showed up to show my support. Even if I did end up falling asleep in a bathtub. This was the first year PJ was doing a pre-pre Christmas party, after the success of the Halloween party last month, he'd been trying to find any excuse to hold one in November knowing that the usual Christmas party in December was too far away.

"Is this about that boy?" He mused, a sly tone creeped into his voice.

"That boy has a name," I muttered under my breath, thinking I was quiet enough for him not to hear me but he sighed again.

"Well, I've heard that the friend he left with, Louise is coming tonight," my ears perked up. _Damn PJ for knowing me so well._ I rolled myself out of my bed and looked around my room at the mess I’d created over the past few weeks. Clothes were strewn across the floor and backs of chairs, empty cups across the table, the curtains drawn closed with no light let in, my plant close to death. I couldn’t even remember if I’d turned on the actual lights, instead I wanted to sit in the dark on my phone all day. I started picking up random items of clothing, sniffing some shirts only to throw them back onto the floor. I looked at my mostly empty closet, a consequence of not doing any chores or laundry whilst I'd been moping these weeks.

"I'm taking this silence as a yes," I turned my attention from my impromptu outfit contemplating session back to the voice that came out of my phone left on my bed. I really was all over the place, maybe a night out was a good idea. A refresher before I actually got back into my normally organised life. _Maybe I'll actually finish that painting that I've been neglecting._ I quickly snatched up my phone from its place among the pillows.

"Fine, but it's not for him, it's for your amazing mulled wine," he let out a little cheer and I could tell he was doing his happy dance from the muffled shuffling noises.

"Maybe you can talk to him again and finally stop moping about,"

"I'm not moping," the silence on PJ's side made me rephrase, "He just made me so happy,"

"Spare me the details for the tenth time please, I said I was sorry for taking you away from the love of your life," I rolled my eyes and thought back on all the times I'd pestered PJ over that.

"He's not the love of my life,"

"Phil, you haven't left the house," he said, chastising me once again.

"I'm coming tonight, aren't I?" I grumbled, not wanting another lecture from PJ.

"Yes, well I'll see you in an hour, oh and wear your blue button up, it makes your eyes look good," my eyes drifted to the shirt in question. It was thrown on the back of a chair. At least it wasn’t on the floor, maybe it was still clean…?

"Alright bye!" He exclaimed quite loudly before he hung up on me. I rolled my eyes at him for ending our conversation so abruptly before I could try and make a new excuse. I didn’t have time to call him back, I needed to put together an outfit. I could wear my new denim jacket tonight, I held it up, reading the ‘snazzy jacket’ embroidery on the back, _perfect._

~~

The party seemed to be a success so far, the mulled wine a great hit once again. The plan for tonight's elaborate party was a huge bonfire with a log pit and a barbecue. I was a little less enthusiastic to help out this time, when I knew it was never going to be as fun without Dan by my side. But being the good friend I was, I stood there working the barbecue, turning over the burgers and sausages. It wasn't the best of jobs but having drunk people tell you you're amazing because you're cooking them food made it slightly more worth it.

"Hey Phil," I nodded to PJ who'd popped his head into the back of the tent where I was cooking. I smiled to him as he properly entered.

"I'm taking over, I think you should have a break," I moved to the side giving him the tongs, took off my apron, and threw it somewhere in the back with the other uniforms. I turned to say thanks to PJ only to notice the sly smile that had crept onto his face.

"What?" I said, raising my eyebrows at him. _What could he possibly be hiding now? Do I have oil on my cheek?_

"I think I saw Dan out there," I wasn’t having such a bad time back here, but the thought of seeing Dan again had made my mood rise significantly. I shuffled from foot to foot, and PJ just laughed.

"Go, and please get his number this time, I don't want to deal with you moping around again,"

"I wasn't mop-" I went to say but stopped when PJ looked at me like I was about to bore him with a list of every prime minister. "Alright, I'm going," I held up my hands before I quickly ducked out the back.

As soon as I was out I quickly made my way towards the house where most of the party took place. I don’t know if you could call it a house; it was more of an old wooden shack, like it was hand built, and rooms were tacked on the outside. I decided to start looking for Dan in the kitchen, as I wanted to grab a drink as well. I almost had to push my way through the amount of people stood around in the hallways, but once I'd finally reached the kitchen, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Phil! I haven't seen you in years," I turned around to be met with Jimmy, an old friend from high school.

"Hi Jimmy, how are you?" I ask politely, my mind occupied with thoughts of finding Dan but I still had to make polite conversation, even if my interest in the conversation was next to nothing. Not that I had anything against Jimmy, he was a nice enough guy, but for whatever reason we never seemed to click, not that I clicked with anyone in highschool, but Jimmy was always nice to me.

"Good, great actually!" He replied, a large grin spread across his face. I smiled back at him, "We're about to do some shots. Wanna join?" it's then I looked past him to the three hopeful smiles, with shot glasses in hand, waiting. I hesitated for a second as I knew I wanted to find Dan, but I gave in, _one shot couldn't hurt, right?_

~~

In the short time I'd spent with Jimmy and his friend I'd had at least two more drinks on top of our shots before, so it was safe to say I was a just little tipsy. Or a little more than tipsy, if my stumble into the lounge room indicated anything. It felt like we hadn't even been in the lounge for long before they’d started chatting about heading out to the fire. While they decided, I glanced around the room. My eyes saw a flash of curly hair that they’d been - _I’d_ been so excited to see, exiting the room. I jumped up from the couch, said a quick goodbye to my new found friends and headed after that mop of hair. I squished my way through the crowded hallway once again and made it into a large communal area. There were sets of bunk beds that had been pushed up against the walls, people squished into every spare space.

After only one step into the room, I regretted my choice. Slices of bread, drinks, flour, and eggs were thrown from the bunk beds on the left and right sides of the room, I was now in the middle of a full on food fight. I tried to see if I could scoot around the edge but the only free space was right through the middle. I hopped onto my feet a bit more but I didn't want to miss my chance of seeing Dan. So I took my chances and ran through the middle. I had to dodge a handful of flour coming from my right. I could see the door, in sight and I was only a step away until an egg came out of nowhere and whacked me on the shoulder, goop dripped all over my jacket. I resisted the urge to yell at them, as I knew that I'd only end up with more food all over me. I made a quick detour to the bathroom, shut the door behind me, quickly ran the tap and splashed water onto my shoulder. I scrubbed at it until all the goop is as washed off as it could be. The music that was loudly blasted through the house was now a distant muffle. I looked into the mirror and as I fixed the mess that my fringe had become I heard a small sniffle from behind me. Immediately I froze up, my hand stopped mid fringe check.

"Hello?" I called out, walked over to the shower and pulled back the curtain a bit.

"Phil?" Dan said back in disbelief.

"Dan?!" I said my voice equally confused, "What are you doing in the shower?" He looked down at his feet and I noticed he'd been clutching a bottle of champagne to his chest. He sniffed again and scrubbed at his face, I wanted to reach over and wipe the tears off of his cheeks, but it was not my place.

"Are you okay?" He opened his mouth to answer but shut it immediately after and shook his head. Before I could react to what I was doing I climbed into the tub with him. He looked at me shocked, before he moved his legs up to give me more room, our knees cramped up together, feet tangled.

"Do you wanna tell me about it or do I have to pull it out of you?"

"The latter," I thought for a moment, trying to work out how to make Dan talk. I didn't want him to sit here all alone crying. I hoped nothing bad had happened to him, I would feel responsible, even though I hadn’t seen him all night. My eyes drifted back to the champagne bottle that he had so tightly clutched to his chest.

"Alright, I have a suggestion, a drinking game if you will, we each get turns to ask a question and you either answer or drink," he nodded, loosened his grip on the bottle and balanced it on his knees.

"So what are you doing in here?" I started and hoped a simple question will get him to spill, although knowing Dan he wouldn’t reveal anything quickly.

"Hiding, what are you doing in here?"

"Got caught by a food fight," I said and pointed to my soaked shoulder, my jacket clung to me, quite uncomfortably. It hadn't bothered me yet, my mood had actually improved quite a lot even in the short time I'd been sitting there, just being in the same room as Dan lifted my spirits.

"Who are you hiding from?"

"Louise," his voice came out in almost a whisper. I didn't know if it was how close we were sitting or his little sniff again that I noticed how puffy his eyes were and the faint glow of where tear tracks had once been, my heart hurt at the sign of him hurting. _You’ve only met this boy twice, pull yourself together Phil._

"I don't know what to ask you..." he said, after a moment of silence.

"You can ask me anything, like what's my favourite colour,"

"Okay, what's your favourite colour?" I giggled and for the first time since being sat here a smile crept on his face.

"You want to waste your question on my favourite colour?"

"I didn't know what else to ask," he said but there was a giggle in his tone and I was so happy I'd managed to pull a smile out of him.

"My favourite colour is blue,"

"Just like your eyes," it was his turn to make me smile, only mine was tinged with a blush, and there was a blush on his cheeks too.

"Why are you hiding from Louise?" His mood turned south again and I almost regretted ruining the nice vibe we'd created but I knew Dan wouldn't get out of this tub if we didn't talk it out. Like last time, how he wouldn't accept that he was mid panic attack so he wouldn’t seem weak in front of me. Only he didn't know that I was more than happy to hold his hand.

"I say stupid shit when I'm angry," he twisted the bottle around in his hand, the grip tight and tense, I reached up to stop his hand in the movement, I knew whatever he was thinking about was only going to make him sad or hurt himself.

"She'll forgive you," My grip around his hand became tighter, and he loosened his grip on the bottle a little, his pinky finger shifted around to tap against my hand, not quite the hand holding I hoped for but it was close enough.

"I know, but that doesn't mean I can forgive myself," I flinched, his harsh tone and self-deprecation hurt my heart in more ways than one.

"Why were you angry at Louise?"

"Ah, not your turn," he shook the bottle in his hand to emphasise his point and then looked down to our feet tangled between each other while he thought of a question. I went to say something to fill the silence only to be interrupted by a loud bang from outside. I flinched, and turned my head to the window to see bright flashes of colour. When I turned back to Dan he frowned at me.

"Do you wanna be out there?"

"Is that your question?" He nodded and it didn't even take me a second to think of my answer.

"I'd pick you over fireworks any day," I confessed, I could feel a blush spread over my cheeks again. He took a swig from the bottle to disguise his own blush, only he didn't know that I saw it grow on his cheeks.

"Alright, why did you fight with Louise?" He shook his head firmly, took a big sip of the champagne and passed the bottle to me. _Damn this game I came up with._

"Since this is a drinking game, I guess we need to ask the dirty stuff right," he smirked at me and I felt myself gulp.

"Do you have any kinks Phil?" I felt like my eyebrows had flown off my head with how fast my eyes widened. I did not expect that from our tub talk. For a second, I thought about the question then I shook my head very quickly and tipped back the champagne taking way more than a sip, way more than a couple of sips actually; drinking to forget the images of Dan tied up that flashed through my mind. Dan laughed at me as I pass the bottle back to him.

"Alright then, what are your kinks?" I said, after I gave up on finding a better, less sexual question. I supposed I should have expected this when I proposed a drinking game.

"I have too many, I think the only one I don't have is choking," as if on queue I suddenly found myself choking on the air. That was not the answer I expected, that's for sure. He just laughed at me as I caught my breath and took his own ‘sip’ from the bottle. I watched him closely, a blush on my face and I found a small smile crept up on me. A week ago I would never have thought that I would be sat there in a bathtub talking about kinks with Dan. His eyes drifted to me and his smirk was replaced with a shy smile.

"Do you like me Phil?" my heart skipped a beat, my head and heart felt too blurry for this, champagne really hits you quickly.

"Of course I like you Dan,"

"Not like that," I felt too drunk for this conversation, so I took the bottle from his hands and downed the last of the champagne. I seemed to remember the bottle being at least three quarters full when we had started but it was now empty in my hands. Dan giggled at my confused face as I tipped the bottle around and tried to pour the last drops into my mouth, ending up with it all over my jacket.

"Are you drunk?"

"Very," I said, as I giggled along with him, and he gripped my arm and pulled me close. I fell across the tub, in between his legs, my head now very close to Dan’s.

"We drank too much," I whispered, too aware of how close my lips were to his.

"We did," he paused looking down to my lips and my eyes followed his.

"Can I kiss you?" I didn't even answer with words, I just leaned down and closed the final gap. The moment I had been dreaming of for weeks actually happened. His lips were carefully soft against mine and they moved slowly but lovingly. I enjoyed the slow pace but I couldn't contain my excitement to finally be kissing Dan and I pressed my lips tighter against his. He hummed against mine in response and reached up to run his fingers through my hair. We kissed at this new pace for what felt like blissfully forever, I gripped and bit at every chance I got, wanting nothing but to be closer to him. My arms began to get tired of holding my entire body at this awkward angle and I let myself drop down onto him. He gasped in surprise and pulled away. As much as he could, when we were that close. I just looked into his eyes, and savoured the moment. He tucked my hair behind my ear. I smiled, I didn't think I was going to get to see Dan again, let alone have his fingers in my hair or his lips against mine.

"Would you like to come to my place?" I wanted to nod my head but paused to look at Dan, his young face in my mind with the tears down his cheeks. I couldn't. We were both way too drunk for this.

"Not tonight, we're too drunk," he frowned and looked away from me, the mood we'd created ruined. I jumped to fix it, doing the first thing that popped into my head.

"That doesn't mean I can't do this," I latched my lips onto his neck and he let out a moan, gripped back onto my hair and pulled me closer. I resisted the urge to giggle at his eagerness while I keep peppering his neck with kisses. A knock at the door stopped me. I quickly scrambled away from Dan. He just laughed at me as I awkwardly tried to stand up in our confined space.

"Hello?" I quickly pulled Dan up and wrapped my arm around him to stop him slipping over, the champagne bottle clanged on the floor around our feet. The door opened slowly, a person peeked their head around the frame. My eyes widened when they were met with Jimmy staring shocked at our guilty faces.

"Oh hey Phil, where did you run off to?"

"Oh you know..." I mused trying to think of any excuse that wasn't what actually happened in this room. I was nowhere near close enough to Jimmy to tell him anything close to the truth, but it probably wasn't that hard for him to guess, given the hickeys that came up on Dan’s neck.

"Wanna come out to the dance floor with us?" He said after a long pause, trying to fill the awkward silence with anything. He probably wasn't expecting to stumble into the bathroom to see two boys in the tub. I looked for approval from Dan but he already stepped out and reached his hand for mine. I stumbled out, forgetting just how drunk I actually was as I wobbled on the spot, Dan’s right arm finding it's way around my waist.

"This is Dan by the way," I added after a moment of awkwardness when we stood waiting for someone to do something.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Jimmy," Dan reached out his left hand to shake before he realised it's the wrong hand, only to reach out his right hand, forgetting it was wrapped around me and he just pushed me away from him by accident. I glared at him but my face softened when I saw him giggling at me. I was back in the real world when Jimmy coughed and we all awkwardly shuffled out of the bathroom.

We followed him through the house and I noticed he avoided the communal area where the food fight was and he took us out the side door. I was actually thankful for getting hit with that egg, without it I didn't know if I would have found Dan. Outside there seemed to be a thousand more people than before, all of them around the huge bonfire or on the dance floor. Jimmy was pulled over into the large crowd by a girl I think I’d met earlier in the night.

"Grab on my waist and put that body on me," Dan whispered in my ear so close I could only just hear him, the noise of the party quite loud now that we’re in the middle of it. I looked at him weirdly until I realised they're the lyrics to the song. I did exactly what he asked though. I pulled him close, wrapped myself around him and danced as best as I could when he was that close. It was like the rest of the party didn't exist to us anymore as we danced to song after song. At points we broke away from each other to do our drunken dance moves, especially to the more danceable songs, one of my favourites being There For You by Troye Sivan. Dan giggled at my terrible singing but there was this strong feeling like the lyrics applied.

"When your tears fall down your pillow like a river I'll be there for you," I sing, I'd broken away from him to do a little jump dance but a song later I’m back in Dan's arms as the pace slowed down, Malibu by Miley played.

It seemed only a few people remained on the dance floor, mainly couples or people too drunk to care that they were in a sea of people kissing. I certainly couldn’t care for them as we danced the night away. I just enjoyed being in his arms, enjoyed his lips on mine, his hands back in my hair. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him, I wanted him as close to me as he could be, not even dancing anymore just a gentle sway.

When we pulled apart I saw him look at me, his smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. Maybe it was the drinks in my system, or the music, or the feeling of Dan this close, but I couldn't tell if I'd ever felt that happy before. I ran my hands down from where they'd been resting on his shoulders until we were holding hands, I swayed them between us as we shared giggly smiles. I felt like a little kid again having a silly crush that filled my heart with butterflies and my eyes with tears. Before I was tempted to kiss him again I felt an arm grip my shoulders. I turned around to face a very intoxicated PJ.

"Phiiiillll, how's it going?" He said before he looked up to see Dan next to me, "Danny boyyyyy what's up?" PJ reached around me to hug Dan who looked a little shocked at PJ’s forwardness but patted PJ on the back all the same, I stifled a laugh.

"We're having drinks by the fire with anyone who's left, wanna join?" I turned to Dan to see how he felt, he just shrugged and came closer to my side to shyly hold my hand.

"Yeah, why not," We headed over to the fire for the first time that night, a few people sat chatting around the logs. I sat down on one of the couches and pulled Dan into my lap, the effects of the champagne still coursing through our blood, making my head spin when I hit the cushions. PJ passed some red cups to everyone in the little circle about twenty of us, and then he poured something from a jug into them. I gave my cup a sniff and smelt maybe pineapple and rum, some sort of punch? Once all of our cups were filled PJ held his cup up high and we followed suit.

"To the best pre-pre Christmas party that has ever been," we all cheered and I skulled down my drink. The last part split down my shirt and I heard Dan giggle at me. I couldn’t seem to focus on him though, my mind too fuzzy. I think that might have been the most drunk I’d ever been, I couldn't even hold my cup still. I just wrapped my arms around his waist and nuzzled my face into his neck, my cup abandoned somewhere in the process. I tilted my head to watch him slowly sip his drink when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to look at PJ, who's passed me back my cup, I accepted it with a nod.

"Told you it would be worth it coming tonight," I just nodded, my smile grew even bigger. PJ got pulled into a conversation with the girl next to him and I just enjoyed sitting by the fire, watching Dan and watching the way the flames lit up his face.

After a moment Dan turned around quickly and buried his head in my chest, wrapped his hands around my back and gripped tight on my jacket. At first I giggled, and it felt like giggling had been the only reaction I’d had to him the entire night. My laughter was cut short however when I realised the way he held me was different from the soft way we'd been holding each up until now. I pulled him away from me gently, saw his expression all scrunched up and a look I could only describe as in pain on face.

"Hey are you alright?" With his eyes shut tight he shook his head.

"I feel kind of sick,"

"Was it the punch?"

"I think so," his voice came out strained and I knew from dealing with drunk people the most likely outcome from this. I needed to get him out of here, and fast.

"Alright,” I said, a game plan formed in my head, “You're going to need to stand up for me, can you do that?" I whispered to him close, as if that would help him feel any better. I stood up behind him, his hand found mine and clung on. I waved to PJ as we shuffled out of the circle, my hand ended up on his back rubbing softly. When we were away enough from the group Dan started running, his grip left mine. I chased after him and called his name as he fell against a tree, his breaths grew short. When I finally reached him I could hear him muttering 'I don't wanna throw up' over and over and he shook his head back and forth. The fuzziness in my brain started to clear when I realised the seriousness of the situation and I assumed he was having some sort of panic attack. I went to hold his hands like the first time we met to calm him down but he slapped them away. I went to rub his back but he shoved me roughly. I went to yell at him in frustration but I realised he just needs his space right now. I turned my head away not wanting to see the tears running down his cheeks or his face scrunched up in pain.

"I'm sorry," he said with a sob after he threw up I turned back to see him wiping his mouth.

"Don't be," I said leaving no room for argument.

His hair clung to his face and I gave into my urge to touch him and wiped his fringe out of his eyes. He gave into my touch, coming up to cuddle into me. I held his shaking body in my arms and kept him still, holding him steady. He may have been slightly taller than me but now he felt smaller as he cried in my arms. My heart felt broken as I listened to him cry, but I only held him tighter.

"Are you feeling better?" I murmured in his ear, after I held him until his panicked sobs were reduced to sniffles. He nodded against my chest but I could still feel the tremor of his body so I began to hum softly in his ear. I rocked him close to my heart, my fingers slow and soothing in his hair.

"What are you humming for?" I paused my movements and thought for a moment, I guessed my drunken mind just thought it was best.

"To calm you down,"

"Thank you," when he stopped shaking I pulled away from him to look at his face and wiped his fringe away from his face.

"You need some rest," I said and I pulled out my phone and got ready to order him an Uber.

"But I don't want to leave you," I gave him a stern look but it immediately softened when I saw his face stained with tears. He curled back into me, I put my phone back into my pocket and lead him back up to the fire, hoping no one would notice us sneak up to join back in.

~~

I sat with Dan between my legs and pressed my lips gently against his neck; he hummed back in response. We were chatting quietly to ourselves as if the last of the party didn't exist. I had chosen a couch for us that was away from everyone else, on the other side of the fire. We were getting to know each other a little more but my words came out as a mumble, muffled by my face snuggled into the softness of his sweater.

Dan smiled over his shoulder and for a minute I was stone cold sober. My breath caught in my throat, the once-crying and boy now looked softer than I'd ever seen him. His hair was pushed out of his face and the glow of the fire caught golden flakes in his eyes and seemed like he was wearing glittery eyeshadow. As sappy as it sounded, it was like the stars had come down from the sky to rest in his eyes. The little smile he gave me made my heart soar and fill my tummy with butterflies like I was twelve again. _I don't deserve him, he's too good for me. I'm just plain old Phil and he's beautiful Dan. But God I hope he likes me as much as I like him._

“Something got you down,” he bopped me on the nose and I shook the frown off of my face, replacing it with the soft smile I had on before. _It’s silly to be upset over that, right? We’ve only met each other twice and I’m already second guessing everything._ I pulled him closer to my chest, my arms snuggled around him. I planted little kisses onto his neck and he gasped when I let my teeth graze there, overcome with my desire to be closer to him and to forget about the little things.

"Are you sure you don't want to come to mine?" He said hopefully, I dropped my head down to his shoulder knowing I'll have to decline

"I already told you, I think that you should get some rest," he frowned at me and I sent him a sad smile.

"But I'll give you my number this time," I pulled my phone out from where it had been abandoned all night in my pocket. It was strange really, normally after a party it's battery is depleted from using it all night, but it seemed I’d enjoyed Dan’s company so much that it still had eighty percent. We exchanged numbers before I decided to call it a night and order him an Uber. PJ had already offered me a bed, although I wasn’t sure how that was going to work now, considering the bunk beds were covered in food. Dan and I got ourselves off of the couch slowly, holding onto each other as much as we could whilst we walked. I led him to the Uber outside and opened his door; he gripped my hand as I basically pushed him into the seat, not wanting to let him trick me into going home with him. He was still holding onto my arm like a child, so I leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. In his shock he let go and I shut the door, he immediately rolled down the window to pout at me.

"Text me when you get home safe," he nodded and I stayed to watch the car drive off, knowing next time, _I’m never gonna let him go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The house in this part is actually real house and it really is handmade and has a lot of bunk beds so they can have huge parties ~ the food fight bit is sadly untrue that would have been fun ~ Let me know what you think so far!


	3. I knew I loved you then

_I knew I loved you then_   
_But you'd never know_   
_'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go_   
_I know I needed you_   
_But I never showed_   
_But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old_   
_Just say you won't let go_   
_Just say you won't let go_

~~

I ducked into one of the rooms and hoped she’d come back. Darcy was being especially hard to catch today, but I knew I had to suck it up and help Louise out. It was the least I could do to help out while I stayed there for the holidays. Just while my brother was at my apartment. Our parents were in India, neither of us wanted to go, and much to our annoyance our parents insisted we stayed together. He wasn’t a child anymore, twenty is surely old enough to stay at home by himself. We’d fought so much in the short time he'd been staying with me, so in typical Dan fashion I ran away from my problems by living with Louise. My brother could have the time of his life, ruin my apartment, have parties, and bring back as many random girls from random clubs as he wants. My brother, and my family, for that matter, weren’t too accepting of me, I hadn't come out to them yet, but I could tell they knew with their constant pestering that they love me but they just want me to settle down with a girl. I’d rather just stay with Louise, where I could happily be myself and Phil could come over as much as he wanted. He'd been over quite a few times but hadn't asked why I wasn’t at home yet - which I appreciated. He and Louise got along great too, he brung her Nutella cookies and she constantly told me to invite him over, which she insisted was not just for the cookies. One of the conditions while I stayed there was the help out with Darcy, tonight I had to help with bathtime.

"How's it going up there?" Louise called from making dinner downstairs.

"Great," I yelled back, diving after Darcy as she darted past me, I hooked my arms around her waist as she screamed and giggled, thinking it was a game. I carted her into the bathroom and placed her in the tub. The addition of bubbles that night was helping to stop her usual screaming, making bathtime fun and enjoyable. For her. As I rubbed the shampoo into her hair, I heard my phone buzz on the floor next to me. I quickly wiped my hand on a towel and answered without any hesitation when I saw Phil’s name flash up on the screen.

“Hello,” I said as I put him on speaker so I could continue to clean Darcy’s hair. She screamed as I pour water down her hair.

“I didn’t know you screamed like a girl Dan,” I smiled despite the insult, because as cheesy as it sounded, I had missed his voice. G _od, it’s only been two days since I last saw him. What have I become?_

“That’s Darcy,” and as if on cue she screamed again, splashing bubbles into my face.

“Hi, Darcy,” he said in the cute voice he used when he talked to her. It made my heart jump into my chest and long for something more with him.

“Hiii,” she said back excitedly. She could recognise his voice after meeting him a few times. She’d really taken a liking to him, maybe because he was always so happy to play with her. The other week I had watched them playing with toys on the rug. He smiled over at me and Louise hit me in the shoulder when she saw the blush on my cheeks. He’d be good with kids. _Not that I’ve thought about that a lot or anything._

“What are you up tonight?” I used a cup to wash the last of the suds out of Darcy’s hair and dry my hands off while I thought. I mean I had been planning to watch the latest Game of Thrones, but anything with Phil was better than that.

“Nothing, why?”

“I really want to see you before I leave,” I frowned. Phil was going to stay with his family for Christmas. With his caring, lovely, family that I’d heard so much about. I'd even chatted with his mum on the phone. _His lovely family that he’d be spending Christmas with, not with his parents half-way across the globe and staying with his generous friends to avoid his brother._

“When do you leave again?” I asked as I ignored my jealous thoughts by picking my phone up from the floor.

"Tomorrow, so tonight is our last chance to see each other before next year,"

"Next year?" I almost dropped my phone in the bath, but composed myself, took it off speaker and put it to my ear so I could commit my full attention to the conversation now that Darcy’s hair was washed and I could sit and watch and make sure she didn’t drown in bubbles.

"Yeah, didn't I tell you? I'm away from now until a week after New Years," I sat, deflated. The thought of not having Phil by my side for that long drained the energy out of me. We’d only known each other a month and already I was mourning the time I would spend without him by my side. I had Louise, but there was only so long I could spend hiding away in her house. Eventually I needed to spend actual Christmas with my dick of a brother.

"So can you come?” I pondered for a moment after I realised I've been sat here in total silence watching Darcy happily swirl the bubbles.

“Yeah, what did you have in mind?”

~~

"Phil, no way, I'll fall and break both my arms," I stood my ground and watched the way his face lit up, twinkling in the light. It was definitely not helping me to say no to him.

"You will not, I'll hold your hands,"

"That's so cheesy," I almost turned away from him, but he linked his fingers with mine slowly, testing me, he knew how much I loved holding his hand and would use any excuse to. However, I couldn’t let him win; there was no way I was giving in today, so I pulled my fingers out of his grasp.

"It's meant to be," he said, his face dropped the more I protested and it was slowly working, I couldn’t look at his face without a smile on it. It was like looking at the night sky without any stars.

"And with all those people watching," I gestured to the large crowd standing by the rink, probably judging all the skaters. And they would be judging me and my inability to skate. I'd be like a giraffe toppling over and I'd take out about ten children. Phil started to pull on my sleeves, but I stood my ground again and crossed my arms decidedly. He stopped tugging and looked at me while he batted his eyelashes. _Not this again. Last week, I didn't want to go on a carousel but he somehow forced me to. I don't care if I ended up having fun, this time he will not get his way._

“Please,” he begged as he tugged on the ends of my fuzzy hat. I pouted and he kissed the pout off my lips, linking my fingers with his, toying with them, pulling me in for more kisses. I'd had enough; there was only so much of his cuteness that I could take.

"Fine, but if I fall over once you have to buy me a hot chocolate," I grumbled and slapped his hands away from their incessant tugging.

"Settled," he reached his hand out to shake mine but I just put my hand in his and trudged forward, wanting to get my humiliation over and done with. Usually, I had more self control, but it seemed that any time Phil did anything remotely wholesome I broke, giving into anything he wanted. He buzzed with excitement as we bought our tickets and collected our skates. We had to reluctantly let go of each other's hands when we put on our skates, but our knees bumped together and we shared mixed giggles when we tried to stand. We made our way up to the rink, using each other as crutches so we didn't fall over. Or more accurately, I held onto Phil with all my might to stop myself from becoming my toppling giraffe fantasy. When we reached the ice I stood on the edge as Phil went ahead, gliding on the ice with ease.

“I didn't know you could ice skate,” I called out to him as he did a little turn on one skate, expertly skating around the crowd of kids and couples. He skated over to me, coming to a stop by skidding the ice into me. I glared at him, shaking the shaved ice off my coat as he laughed.

“I may have started lessons this year after I watched Yuri On Ice,” I laughed at him, such a Phil thing to do.

“Anime inspired you to exercise?” He laughed, the sound still infectious to me.

“I'm not very good though,” I whacked him on the arm in shock, surprisingly, he kept his balance on the thin blades. _Not very good?_

“No way, Phil, you are amazing,” he smiled bashfully at the ground before he held his arm out to me. I stared at it for a moment before I realised he wanted me to come out on the ice. I gripped his hand carefully and took one shaky step onto the ice. It slid around on the spot, and I wobbled around for a second before I quickly put the foot back onto stable ground.

"I can't do it," I shook my head but I knew I was fighting a losing battle when not even a second later, he already batted his eyelashes at me.

"You can, I believe in you," I gave him my best puppy dog eyes but they were no match for Phil. He tugged on my hand and I was forced to take a step out onto the slippery surface of death. I squealed expecting to hit the ice, but Phil's arms were around me, my blades gliding without any effort. He skated backwards but I was surprisingly balanced skating forwards.

“Phil!” I screeched when I saw that the wall was not within reaching distance. I glanced around and saw all eyes had turned to us and I felt a blush creep up on my cheeks. A young kid bolted past us and I was a little embarrassed to be this shit at skating, even though it was my first time on the ice.

“Okay, I'll admit that was bad of me,” he was saying, laughing, as he led me to the wall. I gripped it with shaky hands and felt my feet slide around on their own now that Phil wasn't pulling me forward. I lurched out of balance, unable to centre myself, when my feet were separated from the floor with a sharp blade. Phil's hand was on my back, holding me up and he told me to bend my knees. I clutched to the barrier and pulled myself along slowly, Phil still by my side. He rambled ice skating lingo to me but I could only give him half of my attention when I was concentrating so hard on not falling. The first problem arose when I'd gotten a little better and we’d reached a group of young kids clinging to the side. I could either skate slower, or we could go around them.

“Ready?” Phil held out his other hand, the one not already on me to hold my hand.

"Say you won't let go,"

"I won't let go," I took his hand tightly in mine and slowly moved away from the barrier. I felt safe with my hand in his and he was a very confident skater. I tried to play it cool and I smiled but I was still very scared of letting go and falling in front of everyone. He led me around the people taking slow smooth steps while I wobbled like a baby deer walking for the first time. Once we were past the people I expected him to take me back to the wall but he scooted us away, towards the middle.

“Phil!” I squealed, nodding my head in the direction of the barrier.

“You're doing really well, you don't need the wall,” I looked down at my feet that were gliding across the ice smoothly, but Phil held me tight and I wasn’t even controlling the direction that we were headed in.

“Only because you're holding me,”

“Alright, alright I'll let you learn to skate properly,” and with that he led me back over to the wall and took one arm off me. Phil was back to happily chatting and skating and I watched as a couple skated past us, hand in hand. A wave of jealousy washed over me. I bet Phil expected for us to be like that, not to have to hold onto me the entire night. I was determined to be more of a graceful swan and not the awkward giraffe slender man I am.

After about half an hour I had worked up the courage to push myself off of the barrier much to Phil’s surprise. We skated past that couple at some point and I gave them snide smile. Not that I was better than them, Phil still tightly held my hand and I refused to let him go.

“Do you want to go fast?” Phil asked, giving me a cheeky grin.

“Absolutely not,” I'd just gotten used to going along normally _and now he wants to go fast? No way._ Before I could object again he spun around in front of me facing backwards, held my hands between his.

“Alright, keep your feet close together, I promise we won't fall” he skated with ease, as I squealed and we scooted around the clusters of people. It was actually quite fun, I admitted, I could feel the cold wind on my cheeks and the warmth of Phil's hands in mine. He looked over his shoulder every so often to see where he was going but he also looked back at me and smiled. One minute, we were happily going forward, the next the floor was behind my head. There was a Phil on top of me and a sharp pain in my knee. My eyes tightly closed, dealt with the rush of different emotions in my head. First, happiness when I heard the sound of Phil’s giggles in my ear, second, annoyance that he had let us fall when he had promised we wouldn't, and third, panic, that crept into the corners of my mind, slowly taking over. My knee was in lots of pain, but I felt numb. I felt Phil get up but I couldn't seem to open my eyes.

“Are you okay?” He said between giggles, but his voice sounded far away, and not just because he was standing up, but because my mind couldn't process what happened.

“Dan?” He asked, this time a lot more seriously and it was the only thing I could hear above the noise. I could tell there were other people there, but everything was overwhelming. I pushed through the panic a little, enough to open my eyes and see the small crowd that had formed around us and Phil’s very concerned face in front of mine. I could hear the sound of my heart beating way too fast and my breaths even faster. Phil's hand found its way into mine and he held tight, which was surprisingly calming, enough to pull me up into a sitting position. My back was wet from lying on the ice but Phil rubbed it slowly, this helped a lot more than I’ll give him credit for.

“You alright, mate?” One of the employees asked as he put a hand on my shoulder, I flinched away from the touch. They turned their attention to Phil when it seemed I wasn’t going to respond.

“We just need to know if he needs a stretcher or if he hit his head,”

“Dan, did you hit your head?” I shook my head softly, I had hit it a little going down, but the only pain I could feel now that the panic was starting to leave, was in my knee. I ignored my shaking arms as I started to get up. Phil placed a firm hand on my shoulder.

“Wait, you need to get onto your hands and knees or you're just going to fall again,” I listened to his words, “And breathe Dan,” he whispered so the crowd couldn’t hear and I took in a deep breath. I knew what was coming now, _once my breaths have calmed, there’ll be the post panic tears._ I quickly let go of Phil's hand and followed his instructions and got onto my hands and knees. As soon as I put weight on my knee I felt a sharp pain go through it and I almost let myself lie on the floor, but I pushed through until I was standing on unbalanced skates. Phil was by my side and he held me steady as he led me off of the ice in front of the watchful eyes of not only all the skaters, but all the spectators on the side as well. I could tell there were tears on my cheeks, I had tried to hold them back to spare myself and Phil from the embarrassment. _It's no use. My stupid fucking anxiety_. Now that the panic had subsided I felt the need to tell everyone I was okay and it was just the panic that kept me on the ice, not that they cared anymore, the drama was over nothing to see here. But I’ll think about it for weeks, playing the moment over and over in my head. _Why did I panic, my knee only hurts a little it’s not even broken._ As soon as we got into the skate hire area, Phil went to take off my skates for me but I swatted away his hands, _I'm not weak._ He flustered about for a moment before he sat next to me and took off his own skates.

“I'm so sorry Dan,” I looked up to him from where I was staring at my skates, he avoided my stare.

“I'm sorry I got panicked,” it was my turn to avoid his stare. He rested his hand on my leg until I looked at him.

“You never need to be sorry for that,” our eyes locked and I resisted the urge to start crying again. I don't deserve him.

“I'm sorry I didn't listen and went too fast, are you sure you're okay?” He said, softly.

“My knee hurts a little,” his eyes widened and he quickly jumped up and ran off in his mismatched socks. I watched the door he went into swing shut behind him confused. _Maybe he needed the bathroom?_ I took the time to take off my skates on my own. My hands were still slightly shaky but I willed them still by focusing on doing up my shoelaces. I gripped onto my legs to calm, wondering where Phil had gotten off to. He appeared not a minute later clutching something in his hand.

“Which knee?” I pointed to my right and he put the object, which I realised was an ice pack, on it. I hissed in pain when it stung.

“I think it's grazed but definitely not broken,” he nodded, opening his other hand to hold mine. I never checked if the skate hire people were still at the counter but I hoped no one was watching us right now. This wasn't a moment I wanted to share with others.

“I'm very sorry Dan,” There was a flutter in my chest when I realised just how much he cared about me. He knew I was upset at him and he was trying everything he could to make it better, _has anyone cared about me as much as he does?_

“It's okay Phil,” I said, and I knew it was true.

“No, it's not, I didn't listen to you. I'll buy you as much hot chocolate as you like,” I sent him a small smile.

“How about some mulled wine instead?”

~~

I'd only had two cups of mulled wine but I already felt quite tipsy. I was sat - on Phil's order - to rest my knee while he danced around excitedly, chasing stray bubbles coming from the kid’s area of the winter wonderland. The happiness radiating off him affected me and I felt happier than I’d been this entire December. Phil's gloves, that he had insisted I put on, clung tight to my hands as I blew hot air into them to warm them up. I _love these stupid gloves with the stupid happy snowman smiling at me and I love the man that they belong to. I'm in love with Phil._ But it's too soon for that, we’ve only known each other two months and I'm already thinking about spending the rest of my life with him. I giggled at Phil when he caught a bubble on his tongue and grimaced at the taste, they aren’t snowflakes. _It’s gotten cold really quickly this year, it looks like it might snow for Christmas. Phil would like that, a white Christmas with his family._ A pang of sadness hits me in the chest when I remembered that my Christmas will never be the one I hope it will be with a loving family that would accept my relationship with the man I love.

"Are you okay?" I looked up at Phil, who’d came back over while I had been lost in thought, his face filled with concern. I mustn’t be that good at hiding my emotions if Phil could read me like an open book. I wanted to blurt it out then, I knew I loved him then but I could never let him know. I knew I needed him, but-

"My family is homophobic,"

"Oh?"

"Sorry I didn't mean to blurt that out, I just- I needed to tell you," _I shouldn't have said that._ I felt his arms tentatively wrap around my shoulders, then he hugged me. Tight. And it’s all okay. He didn't let go until I felt tears on my cheeks and he pulled away and wiped them off my cheeks. _Who cares if my family won’t accept us I’ve never felt this way about anyone or had anyone care about me as much as he does, and I know I care about him just the same. And who knew that all I needed was a hug from Phil to realise that._

“You don't need your family to tell you who you can and can't love Dan, that's your choice not theirs,”

“I know, I'm sorry,” I looked away from him, a hidden confession on my lips, _from the way he said that it sounds as if he knows I love him_.

“Don't you dare apologise for their ridiculous opinions,” I smiled and wiped my face again, although no more tears had been shed.

“Shall we head home?” I nodded and linked my hand with his, the smiling snowman on his gloves snuggled between our fingertips. We walked towards the exit bathed in bubbles, the drab outskirts of Hyde Park seemed a whole lot more boring now that we were out of the magic of the winter wonderland. My mood dampened slightly as we began our walk across the park back to the train station. I was not looking forward to it, not with my knee aching slightly and especially as I felt the first drops of rain hit my nose. Phil tugged on my hand to walk faster, but the large expanse of grass was ahead of us and there was no way we would have made it across without getting drenched even if we ran. In my tipsiness I stumbled on a tuft of grass and almost fell but Phil caught me. His arms wrapped tight around me and kept my front dry while the rain now poured down on us.

“Of course we get stuck in the downpour,” he reached up and took my hat off my head and put it onto his own.

“Hey! I need that!” he took a quick step back avoiding my grasping hands, “My hair is gonna get wet,” he shrugged.

“We’re drenched,” I tugged at the ends of my now soaked hair, tried to smooth the curls I could feel forming, but I only succeeded in making it worse.

“You have curly hair!” I swatted his hands away, but it was useless, they threaded their way through my locks and tugged gently. We locked eyes and he puckered his lips innocently. I quickly wrapped my arms around him before I could second guess my decision to be closer to him. I couldn't help but give into his wishes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, it only lasted a second before he pulled me closer by my hair and deepened the kiss. _God, what would Louise say if she could see me now, making out in the pouring rain, what are we in a romcom?_  When he pulled away, he gave me a shy smile and I felt his fast heartbeat against my hand and heard our quick breaths over the sound of the rain that hit the grass. But it was okay, because mine beat just as fast, and there was that flutter in my chest and a blush on my cheeks.

"I think I'm in love with you," Here I was, worried we were moving too fast, but he'd just confessed his love to me. This wasn't just some fling, we were actually committed. I should have been expecting it, with just how much effort he took to let me know he cared.

"I think I love you too," I said, in the most cheesy and gushy voice I could muster, half to tease him and half because that was how I felt.

"Really?"

"Of course you spork," he rested his head against my chest, holding me close, my hat tickled my chin with drops of water.

"I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old," I couldn't help but say it, the thought of us with a family together popped into my head. He pulled away and looked at me with a cheeky grin on his lips.

"Alright don't go too sappy on me now," I went to hit him in the chest but I kissed him instead. There we stood, completely drenched by the rain, declaring our love for each other. It was the most cheesy, most sappy thing I'd ever done, but I couldn't seem to care, not when I had the boy of my dreams in my arms, kissing me with all the love in his heart. A bright flash shot across the sky, followed by a loud burst of thunder and we broke apart in shock.

"Can we get out of the rain now?" He said, cuddling to me close as the cold started to set in.

"Carry me!" I said, too lazy and too sappy to care about getting out of the rain, even if we got struck by lightning. _I’m in love damn it._

"Okay," before I could say I was joking, Phil hoisted me up bridal style and stumbled under my weight.

"Just say you won't let go," I said between giggles as he attempted to run, not that it mattered were soaked to the bone anyway.

"I won't let go.”

~~

Later, snuggled up in Louise's bed, my knee was sore, my body shivered from being in the cold and, my eyes ached from tears shed. But I couldn't seem to regret anything of that night. Not when I had a boy that loved me wrapped in my arms. _I'm never gonna let him go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole part is almost a true story ~ I did start skating because of Yuri on ice and I did crash into the wall going too fast and had a panic attack while people tried to get me off the ice it was a great day haha   
> Disclaimer: I’m sure Dan’s brother and family are nothing like I’ve written them to be


	4. I'll take the kids to school

_I wake you up with some breakfast in bed_  
_I'll bring you coffee_  
_With a kiss on your head_  
_And I'll take the kids to school_  
_Wave them goodbye_  
_And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night_

~~

“Dan, wake up,” I pushed away the arm that shook me and snuggled closer to the warmth of my blankets.

“Dan, for fuck’s sake, _wake up_!” the pillow beneath my head was abruptly ripped from its place and my head hit the mattress with a thump. I groaned and reluctantly opened my eyes to a very flustered Louise.

“What do you want?” I groaned as I pulled the blanket up to my face, she pulled it away instantly.

“Remember how you said I could ask you for any favour while you stayed here?” I groaned, tempted to roll back over onto my side but I couldn’t, I did promise her.

“I need you to take Darcy and her friend to school,” I threw the blanket over my face once more in defeat, but I still was not quite willing to get up. A second later a set of keys hit me in the nose and sent a sharp pain across my face. I threw the blanket off to grumble at her but she looked at me with her lower lip pushed out, and I knew it was a losing battle, no matter how much my face hurt. I stepped out of the bed.

“Please put some clothes on Daniel, you're doing a school run, not a late night booty call to Phil’s,” I blushed, covered over my exposed flesh and threw a pillow in her general direction as she exited the room. I sat back on the bed and rubbed my hand over my eyes the blush ever present on my cheeks. I mean, it wasn't like that hadn't happened before. I didn't let myself have sex in Louise's house after all, so late night trips to Phil’s may have been a frequent occurrence. It felt like it’d been forever since I had last saw him in person. _FaceTime just isn’t the same as the real Phil. I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone._ He told me he should be home in the next week, but I couldn’t wait that long. I couldn't help but think about how much I missed his silly jokes and his silly smile. I climbed out of bed and threw the first piece of clothing I found over my head. I quickly took it off, on second thought, after I looked into the mirror and saw the word ‘shit’ plastered across the front. School run, it needed to be appropriate. I settled for an oversized stripy sweater and headed into the kitchen. Louise had left me a coffee that I could tell it was mine because she’d put it in my favorite Hello Kitty mug of hers. I knew I was going to steal it from her when I moved back home. I sipped it slowly and listened to hear her say goodbye to the girls in the other room. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, looked down, and a grin found its way onto my cheeks when I saw it was from Phil.

_~Surprise! I'm home early and I'm coming now to tackle you in bed~_

I almost spat out my drink, before a buzz of excitement pulsed through my chest. _He’s coming home now? He isn’t meant to be back until the end of this week!_ Louise broke me from my moment of excitement by tapping me on the shoulder and directed my attention to the two girls next to her.

“Dan, this is Lottie,” I smiled at her and came down to her level. She seemed slightly scared of me, as children usually are, _I assume it’s because of my height._

“Hi, Lottie it’s nice to meet you,” I almost went to shake her hand but stopped myself when I remembered she was only five, and gave her a big smile instead. She gave me a small smile back and looked a little less scared.

“Alright now that you’re acquainted, I best be off. Girls, on your best behaviour please,” they nodded, ran off to the lounge room, probably back to the TV show they were watching.

“Dan on your best behaviour please,” she pecked me on the cheek and spun out the door magically, way too put together for this early in the morning.

“Hey!” I yelled after her once I realised what she had said, before I grumbled off into the lounge room to sit with the girls.

~~

I turned down the music, giggling as we pulled up, the school run karaoke consisted of old One Direction songs and Disney classics. They knew more of the words than I did, Louise had taught them well. I jumped out of the car, let them out of their seats and handed them their bags, proud of myself that I got them there without any drama. Darcy hugged my legs tightly, as I patted her on the head slightly awkwardly.

“Thank you, Uncle Dan,” my breath caught for a second when she said that. Then she let go, held onto her friend's hand and waved back to me as they entered their classroom. I waved them off, surprisingly emotional. I didn’t think that Darcy calling me her Uncle would have made me feel like this. _She sees me as apart of her family! Louise inviting me into her home has made me feel so loved and accepted, nothing like my own family._ Phil once told me that “friends are the family we choose” and I’d found mine. I climbed back into the car with unshed tears in my eyes, god I’m such a sap. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I was filled with excitement once again.

~I’m home, waiting in bed for you~

Another wave of emotion hit me as I thought about Phil’s text and watched families say goodbye to their children and how - _one day we might have a family together and a real home together. One day I’ll be waving our kids off to school_ \- but I shook those sappy thoughts out of my head. We were nowhere near ready to have kids, but I did know that I wouldn’t want a family with anyone else. I’m shoved back into the real world when an angry mum beeped at me, I quickly pulled out of the school driveway and sent her an apologetic wave. With the thought of Phil waiting for me at home, I pulled into the McDonald’s drive through around the corner.

~~

I pushed open the door slowly and saw Phil strewn, face down, across the bed. Chirpy music played out of his phone from Animal Crossing, but he was dead to the world. His face was squished against the pillow, his glasses skewed making little indents on his cheeks, and his nose was scrunched up all cute. I placed the coffees on the side table before I couldn’t contain my excitement anymore and I jumped onto him wrapping my arms around his waist, a manic smile on my face. He woke with a start and wriggled around in my grip.

“I missed you,” I said and he stopped wriggling as he’d realised it was just me and he rested his head back on the pillow. I took that as my queue and got into a more comfortable position next to him, snuggled to him close.

“I know, you texted me 10 times a day,” his whispered as he fixed his glasses and turned to face me now that he could see. I admired his face now here with me in the flesh and I couldn’t help but run my fingers across the little red patch on his cheek from where it was pressed into the pillow.

“I did not!”

“Okay you’re right,” he said and I smiled proudly, “it was more like twenty times,” I groaned and pushed him with my feet until he fell off the bed with a thump. I quickly looked over the edge to check he wasn’t injured, but he was fine, he was just glaring at me. I quickly turned back to the bedside table, grabbed Phil’s coffee, and held it out to him as a peace offering with a guilty smile on my face. He could only stay mad at me for so long when I held his favourite beverage in my hands. He took the coffee, a shy smile formed on his lips after the first sip and I placed a kiss on his head.

“I missed you too,” he sat up, pecking me on the lips quickly before he climbed back into bed and curled into my side. I graciously accepted him back into my arms, cuddled him closer than I ever had, but I was careful not to let his coffee spill.

“Breakfast in bed, made at the amazing restaurant referred to by some as McDonald’s, a real five star establishment” he giggled and took the bag from my hand and we sat up to eat.

“Wow, you’re such a gentleman,” He took out the food and quickly dug in, I grabbed my own but kept my gaze on him. _What? I’ve missed his face._ I noticed after a moment that he didn’t have the same happy expression that I had on my face. He’d never been good at hiding how he was feeling, _you know because I’m so good at that._ I knew he was building up to say something serious so I put my food down, shuffled around the wrapper in my hand and awkwardly waited for him to say what was on his mind.

“I was worried you wouldn’t want me to come home early,” _knew it._ I dropped the wrapper from my hands and gave him my full attention, ready for the seriousness that this conversation had turned to.

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. I never could have imagined the thing that plagued his mind would be about my feelings towards him, _I want him by my side every second of every day, can’t he see that?_

“I mean, you probably have better ways to spend your time than with me,” he said and he abandoned his food altogether and avoided my gaze. I didn’t know where he’d gotten this idea from. If anything, I should have been the one worrying that he had better things. He’s the older one, the smarter one, has more friends and I’m just Dan. He could have anyone and yet he’s worried I’m the one who will find better.

“You really think that?” he looked up at me, at my confused and slightly sad face and he shook his head.

“No,” he smiled quickly, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” he picked up the food again as if to prove just how fine he was and munched ‘happily’ but I could see through the facade.

“If anything you're too good for me,” I said, but didn’t look back to me.

“You are kind. You are loving. You are sweet. You are everything I could dream of, right here in front of me,” he kept the fake smile plastered on his face, but it wobbled. _Is he hiding his emotions from me? It’s always me that breaks apart, but who’s there for Phil when he breaks? He’s always the one listening to me and being overly caring but I haven’t checked in on how he is._

“You don’t have to hide stuff from me,” I held out my hand to him which he accepted and held it tight in his own.

“I know,”

“Then wipe that fake smile off your face,” it disappeared followed by a look of annoyance at my tone but that wiped away too. He gazed into my eyes as if to ponder his words as he opened and closed his mouth at least ten times. I held my ground giving him time to compose his thoughts. _I’ll wait as long as he needs to be ready. Even if we sit here all day._

“You’re not going to leave me are you?” he looks so sad once he finally said what had been bothering him, my confused look only deepens.

“Phil why would I ever leave you?”

“I don’t know, you’re gonna find someone better than me, no one actually likes me,” He blurted out and let go of my hands to cover his face. I reached up slowly, pried his fingers away and took his hands back in my own.

“I love you Phil, I told you that,”

“I know that, but it’s hard to shut the thoughts up in my brain that are telling me that I’m not good enough and that you’re going to leave,” I smiled sadly, knowing the feelings he described all too well. I pulled him closer to me, looked into his eyes and held a steady gaze.

“Do you see my going anywhere?” I gripped his hands tighter to emphasize my point, he shook his head.

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m thankful to even know someone like you Phil, and though we’ve only known each other a few months now I can’t imagine a day without you. I love you so much and I’ll spend every day proving it to you, starting with breakfast in bed,” I gestured using both of our hands to the food left between us. He wiped away at his dry face, unshed tears in his eyes.

“You can always share any of the thoughts with me in your head and I promise I’ll listen, I’ll be there for you,” a real smile crept on his lips.

“Did you just quote Troye Sivan?” I laughed, thankful that he could always lighten the mood, even when he was the one that needed comfort.

“I mean it though Phil, you are the most important person in my life and I thank my lucky stars for the night we met,” he gave me a short and sweet kiss that I gladly returned. He pulled away and looked into my eyes with a real genuine, sappy, lovey Phil smile that I didn’t see all too often. It was my favourite smile of his, I couldn’t get enough of it.

“Do you want to move in with me?” I moved back from him, surprised.

“What?” I exclaimed, _where had this come from?_

“I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me about your brother and how you’re living with Louise and what we’ve just talked about proved to me that this isn’t just some fling. I was scared that while I was gone you would find someone else and would leave me. Now I see that you’re just as committed as I am and that you really do care about me,” I looked at him seriously taking in the words he said. It seemed like he put a lot of thought into this and I couldn’t help but think he’s right. _Even with my brother leaving in a few days, do I really want to go back to my small cold apartment?_ There was nothing for me there, everything I needed was right here, from my possessions to the people I love. My apartment was nothing more than a place I used to sleep. I thought about three hour breakfasts with Phil and sleeping in all day with Phil and waking up with Phil in my arms. The smile on my cheeks felt like it was going to burst off my face.

“So Daniel Howell, would you like to move in with me?”

“How could I say no,”

~~

When Louise got home that afternoon she opened the door to two boys fast asleep, cuddled tightly into each other, their cold breakfast at their feet and a computer open showing the latest apartment listings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you happen to be reading this all in one go this is a reminder to have some water! Stay hydrated :)


	5. I wanna dance with you right now

_When you looked over your shoulder_   
_For a minute, I forget that I'm older_   
_I wanna dance with you right now, oh_   
_And you look as beautiful as ever_   
_And I swear that everyday you'll get better_   
_You make me feel this way somehow_

~~

“No it doesn’t look good there,” he sighed and let go, the piano hit the floor with an unsatisfying thump. He took a step away to look at it again, back under the window for the fifteenth time.

“Well, maybe if you told me where you wanted it already, it would look good there,” I said, a little irritated now and dropped my side of the piano to slump against it. It had already been under the window, next to the fireplace, in our room, in the hallway, even in the bloody kitchen but he still insisted that it didn’t look good anywhere and I was starting to grow impatient. The list in my head of things we still needed to do grew, my head hurt with every item I had added.

“It’s not my fault that the piano doesn’t fit in with this shitty apartment,” he started. I glared at him, _this apartment may be shitty but he was as just apart of the choosing process as I was, he has no right to insult it._

“Well how it looks in the house isn’t my fault, why’d you even buy a piano, it’s not like you play on it,” I knew I’d hit a nerve when his face went stone still and he glared at me. I met his gaze challenging him with my own glare but my heart wasn’t in the argument. It was one thing to get annoyed at him for having me move the piano a thousand times, but another to hit him with the thing he was struggling with the most. And quite frankly, it was a lie. Dan played on his piano all the time and beautifully, at that.

“Really, Phil?” his tone had gone bitter and even though I knew I was wrong, I was ready to lash out. My whole body ached from carrying furniture around and I was tired and hungry and ready to unleash some of the negativity out on him.

“You think you have the nerve to hit me about not playing, when’s the last time you painted?” I wanted to shove him away when he took a step forward but I stood my ground, daring him to come closer. _How dare he insult how little I’ve painted when he knows it’s his fault!_

 “Well if it hadn’t taken so long for you to move in I would have time to paint,” I challenged.

“What about before I moved in then? Where’re all those paintings?” I wanted to slap him so bad in that moment. Hit that expression off his face, that smug grin, he thought he’d won.

“I was busy helping you. It’s not my fault your family didn’t accept our relationship,” as soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. Dan’s face dropped and I could see his fists clench at his sides. Tears of frustration started to gather in his eyes, my will to fight drained out of me when I saw tears on his face.

“Well maybe it would have been better if we’d never met.” It was like a physical blow across my face, an actual punch would have hurt less. I broke our intense eye contact and dropped my gaze to the floor. I waited for it, the sound of his footsteps walking away. The sound of the door slamming behind him. The sound of Dan leaving me. I focused my eyes on his socks, watched, waited, for them to move, for him to say anything. _Anything hurt less than this quiet._ After what felt like hours of silence, but was probably only a few seconds, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“You’re gonna leave right?” I said, my voice shaky, tears unable to stay at bay spilt from my eyes. I expected him to still be glaring at me when I looked back at him but his eyes turned away, his own tears fell down his face. _It’s my fault we’re in tears. I pushed it too far. He must hate me. I can’t excuse myself for saying such horrid things to him, it’s in no way his fault his family can’t accept him. His words bounced around in my head, ‘never met, never met, he wished you’d never met’,_ I couldn’t bring myself be angry at him. _It’s all my fault._

“I’m not going anywhere, unless you want me to,” he turned back to face me but even with his words of reassurance I couldn’t believe him. Even though he said he wasn’t leaving, I still waited for it to happen, for him to walk right out that door.

“Please don’t go,” I said followed by a sob that came out of my throat, the tears fell out of my eyes so fast that my vision blurred. His arms wrapped around me and I willingly accepted the embrace. I felt Dan’s own tears hit my shoulder, my shirt now soaked.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the words spilled out of me in a rush, I willed the tears to stop but it only made me cry harder. The overwhelming stress of the move had put a tole on my emotions. I ruined what was meant to be a happy day.

“I didn’t mean it, I promise, I don’t wish we never met, I’m so thankful we met Phil, I’m so, so thankful, I love you so much,” I took a shaky breath, my lungs weak from overuse. “I say stupid shit when I’m angry, I promise, I promise you I didn’t mean it,” the desperation in his voice had me reconsider, of course he would never leave me. I opened up my eyes, my vision still blurry through my glasses but my eyes settled on the vinyl player over Dan’s shoulder. An idea formed in my head and I had to do it, I let go of Dan, much to his surprise and he grabbed after me, clinging onto my clothes.

“What are you doing?” I quickly grabbed the first record next to it, a series of Ghibli songs on piano, I almost laughed at the irony but I knew it was what we needed right now to lighten the mood. Carefully I put it on and waited for the half a second it took to play. The first note played, soft piano music drifted through our apartment. I turned back to him but he was looking away from me, back at his piano under the window. I couldn’t tell the emotion on his face as he looked at it, but I knew if he was anything like me that he didn’t want a piano to come between us. We’d had enough of that. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and swayed him to the soft tune. He looked over his shoulder at me with a smile. _This is how today should have gone, happy, dancing, two boys in love moving in together for the first time. Not a yelling match followed by tears._ Dan’s face looked so young from this angle, still covered in tears with a frown on his lips. I brushed the hair out of his eyes and held him close. For a moment I forgot that I was older. He was too young to deal with his family abandoning him, a brand new relationship, moving in for the first time. I wanted nothing more than to dance the night away, forget about our stupid fight and have a nice evening. Enjoy the special moment couples go through when they merge their lives together.

“Are we moving too fast?” he voiced my thoughts in better words. I sighed and rested my head against his.

“This feels right though,” I said. He nodded and pressed a soft kiss against my lips.

“I love you,” I responded with a kiss instead of words, happy we weren’t fighting anymore. We swayed gently to the music dancing the way we do. _We may not be perfect, but at least we’re having fun. We may not do things the same way other people do but that’s okay because we’re not like other people. We can do things at our own pace, even if it’s too fast we’ll be okay._ He spun me around during a more upbeat part of the song and I giggled, the sad mood from before instantly lifted.

“The piano looks perfect right there,” Dan gestured back to the piano, in the corner of the living room. _Our living room. That we own together_. The soft music came to a stop as the record finished and we were bathed in silence.

“We didn’t move too fast, we moved at our own pace,” I resisted the urge to cry, for a different reason than before. He’s really grown up since we’ve known each other, he’s still quick to love and quick to hate but he really cares about me in ways no one has ever before. He understands that I need him to care about me as much as I care about him. And maybe we did move a bit too fast but that’s okay because that’s how we do things, falling hard and fast but crashing at the bottom together.

“It’s what we do best,” I said and pressed a quick kiss on his lips. He broke apart from me to sit down at the piano, his hands ran over the keys, dusting them gently. I stood behind him and rested my hands on his shoulders as he began to play. The Promise of the World from Howl’s Moving Castle, perfectly played by his hands. A smile crept onto my face, he’d been talking about learning this for weeks. When we’d first chosen a place to live, he told me about his dream of owning a real piano and throwing out his shitty keyboard. Without a second thought, as soon as we’d put our names down for this place, I took him to the music shop and he chose this white piano. We often listened to my favourite record, the Studio Ghibli one I’d put on earlier and he gushed to me about how much he loved the version of the songs on piano. He also told me that his favourite song used to be One Summer’s Day from Spirited Away but ever since he’d met me, he’d changed his mind. His new favourite was this The Promise of the World, because as cheesy as he was, he wanted to promise me the world and now he was finally played it for me. I was drawn into the way his eyes pulled together, concentrating, passionate about the keys and the sounds they make. Passionate about the song he played and the weight behind the notes. _The promise of the whole world for me, the one he loves._

Every time I’d heard him play I was blown away by how magical and mesmerising he was. Even when it was just on his shitty keyboard, he managed to make every song sound beautiful. He turned back to me once the song was over, his eyes still shiny from the tears shed. They glistened in the light. I was reminded of the time we sat by the fire and the light caught golden flakes his eyes. He looked as beautiful as ever and I swear every day he’ll get better, how could he not with the stars resting in his eyes.

“I know that whatever life throws our way, we’ll always have each other and that’s all that matters, no matter how many arguments we have, we’ll always end up back together, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been when I’m with you,” I said, surprised something so sappy and so cheesy could come out of my mouth. _He makes me feel this way somehow._

“I’ve been keeping it a secret from you but I’ve known how to play it for a while, I was waiting for the right time,” he looked at me with an expression I could only describe as total adoration. If I could name that look I may have called it something like heart-eyes Howell. We smiled at each other, my smile ten times larger than his, wanting nothing more than to express to him just how much he means to me with one look.

“Dan you play beautifully,” he blushed and turned his head away from me but I turned it back to me, grabbed his chin and pressed my lips against his.

~~

That night, Dan passed by the entrance living room on the way to the kitchen to get some water, the light from the moon shone through the window and hit the piano, it almost glistened. _It fits perfectly._


	6. Look how we've grown

_I'm so in love with you_  
_And I hope you know_  
_Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold_  
_We've come so far my dear_  
_Look how we've grown_  
_And I wanna stay with you_  
_Until we're grey and old_  
_Just say you won't let go_  
_Just say you won't let go_

~~

“I promise it’s not that much further,” he glowed, in both happiness and the last shreds of the sunset that casted its rays onto his cheeks. The sky had turned into a deep blue, the soft orange touched only the lowest clouds on the horizon. It was the only thing that kept my mood from turning sour, that, and the way he kept looking back at me with the cutest smile, checking for the tenth time that I was okay.

“Dan we’ve been walking for ages, my feet hurt,” I grumbled and stumbled on the fifteenth rock that night. He linked his arm around me and held me until I was steady again then he let me go, held onto my hand and pulled me forwards.

“Again, it’s not that far,” he pulled my hand a little too fast and I stumbled again, my nose bumped right into his shoulder. A wave of annoyance passed through me followed by a sharp pain across my face. My tired body was ready to give up and go back to the hotel but I couldn’t. My brain knew it would kill Dan to give up now, it was the whole reason we’d taken this holiday, that and it was our two year anniversary.

“It better not be,” I grumbled again and stepped over what would have been the sixteenth rock I had tripped over that night. I had a suspicion he’d forgotten where we were going, we’d been walking for at least half an hour and it had started to get dark.

“I promise it’ll be beautiful,” I sighed and kept my eyes on my feet to stop myself from tripping over again. I regretted wearing those sandals, the gritty sand from the path rubbed painfully between my toes. I almost submitted to the urge to demand we go back to our hotel, but his eyes shined like they did when he played the piano or when he went all gushing and passionate about something but even that didn’t stop the annoyance that coursed through my body with each, gritty, horrid, step.

“I know, but that doesn’t stop my feet from hurting,” He stopped suddenly and tugged on our connected hands until I looked up from my feet. There. In the clearing in front of us was a tiny little beach. A little secluded beach hidden away from the tourist area. It was so small you could probably only fit about twenty people on it. And it was completely empty. Dan let go of my hand to run onto the soft sand ahead and spin around happily.

“I can’t believe we found it,” I took off my sandals and joined him, happy my feet were no longer being cut up by rocks and sand. The sand here felt ten times softer than any sand I’d felt before and my feet sunk in with every step.

“You’re right, it is beautiful,” I said and I looked up at the clear night sky filled with shimmering stars. I followed my eyes down to the horizon and onto the calm blue of the water ahead of us, the stars reflecting off twinkling and shimmering with every little ripple. Then I looked to Dan who had laid out our picnic blanket out in the middle of the patch of sand, our own private little beach. I came over to him and took his hands in mine. He looked up at me, his eyes shone like the stars themselves had come to rest in them, as cheesy and as gross as that sounds. I still felt overwhelmed every time I looked into them but I couldn’t help it, they really did, they twinkled and shone, full of love. He smiled at me, cocking his head to the side as if to ask the silent question of ‘what are you thinking about’. I shrugged and smiled. _We do that sometimes, have conversations without words, Louise says it looks weird. I think it’s kind of fun, like we have our own telepathic connection._

He tugged on my fingers and pulled me towards the water until we were running. We ran right into the calm water, ruining the perfect reflection of the sky, the very slight orange colour from the very last of the sunset rippled around like a bath bomb had hit the water. The water was cool but refreshing, the warmth of the day that had soaked into my skin, washed off. The sound of our giggles and splashing travelled far through the air into the silent night. I didn’t care that my shorts were now soaked, I was just happy to be happy. Before I could get too far Dan pulled me back quickly and I went to turn around to ask why, but then I noticed the drop right next to us. The water came up to our knees up here but over the edge it was too dark to tell; one thing was for sure, it was really, really deep. A thrill of anxiety passed through my chest as I stared at the deep dark blue. You couldn’t tell what was under there, it could have been anything, an octopus, a mermaid, a sea monster. Dan tugged on my hand and pulled me out of my brain; he could sense the panic that radiated off me. I turned to look at him and before I could say anything he flicked some water at me with his spare hand. I let go of him to splash him back and hit him right in the chest, his shirt now soaked. He gave me a wounded look before he splashed me again. I squealed and splashed him back, the water thrown back and forth until both of us were completely drenched. He paused for a moment and we gathered our breaths, a cheeky grin spread across his cheeks as we eyed each other up, preparing for the next attack. I flicked a small spray of water in his face and he grinned manically before he tackled me backwards into the water.

I braced myself to hit the sand, only to realise we’d fallen off the sandbank and were plunged into the deep. I opened my eyes and came face to face with Dan. The water was still and I was surprisingly calm, despite the fact that I should have been freaking out. Dan’s eyes looked into mine and kept me calm. My vision was blurry, but his eyes were like a high definition picture, the dark brown stood out from the blue.

Our hair waved around slowly and pulled me into some sort of trance, bubbles swirled around us in what felt like slow motion. His arm flowed through the water and his fingers brushed against my jaw with a gentle gentle caress. I quickly moved forward to kiss him, my lips hit his chin, he gripped onto my face and attached our lips together, deepening it straight away. I held my breath, the need for air was strong but the want for him stronger. _I want to hold him close, touch him, kiss him until he forgets his name._ His hand found its way onto my collar and he pulled me up. We broke the surface of the water, gasping heavily for air. Dan’s hair was down, water dripped from his face and he pulled on my collar towards him. I couldn’t resist kissing him again, connecting our lips messily, trying to keep our heads above the water. His arm on my shoulder, my hands on his face, holding him close keeping afloat. Dan was the first to break our kiss, he swam backwards and pulled me by my shirt until we were on the sandbank and both sat in the shallow water. He gave me a suggestive smile and I didn’t wait for more than a second to kiss him again, this time with more precision as we didn’t need to tread water. I felt the sand slip underneath me being this close to the edge.

“I’ve got you,” Dan locked his arms around me and pulled me until we were in shallower water.

“Just say you won’t let go,”

“I won’t,” he said and he kissed me again.

~~

Dan dragged his hand lazily up my chest, I had put my shirt back on but I hadn’t bothered to do up the buttons. I carded my fingers through his incredibly messy and incredibly curly hair that had dried in the calm breeze. He paused the movement of his fingers.

“Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t bring you onto this beach to have sex,”

“No?” I said, cheekily raising my eyebrows thinking back to what we just did. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and dragged his bag close to his side. I followed suit and placed my hand onto his knee, keeping our contact, I didn’t want to be apart from him in any way.

“I actually have something I’d like to ask you,” Dan grabbed my hand and placed it against his chest, over the locket. The locket I gave him for our one year anniversary, inside the tiny frame was one of the first pictures we’d ever taken. I focused on the picture, our hair much longer, silly smiles in cozy hats in the cold of the winter. _We’ve come so far, look how we’ve grown._ I dropped the locket back onto his chest, his hands between our bodies held a tiny, black, velvet box. My breath caught in my throat, _this can only mean one thing._

“Phil, I-” he cut off and giggled, a blush spread on his cheeks. He was doing the thing he always did, covering up any nervousness or awkwardness with a laugh. My heart pounded in my chest, way too fast, the smile on my lips wider than it had ever been.

“I had a whole speech planned, I was even going to say this incredibly cheesy line that was like ‘you are an artist and your heart is your masterpiece and I’ll keep it safe’” I smiled as if to say ‘he can be as cheesy as he wants’. He took a shaky breath before he continued, “I’m just going to cut right to the point, I'm so in love with you and I hope you know, your love is more than worth its weight in gold,”

“I thought you were cutting to the point,” he tipped his head back when he laughed, his tongue poked between his teeth, copying my usual laugh. I found it endearing, we’d spent so much time together we’d picked up on each others mannerisms.

“Okay, cutting to the point for real. I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old, so Phil Lester-” my heart skipped a beat. He opened the box, the promise of the world, the goal to many lives, the be all and end all, every date, every moment of our relationship, every I love you, symbolised by this one golden band. Everything leaded up to this one moment, the anticipation built up like panic in my chest.

“Will you marry me?” I went to nod, went to say yes, to shout from the rooftops one thousand times yes but something stopped me. It felt a literal physical locking of my throat and I couldn’t speak. My words were caught, my mouth open unable to say the one thing I wanted to. There was a voice in the back of my head screaming, it told me he was lying, that this was some sort of prank, that this was just a dream.

“You want to marry me?” words finally slipped past, but not the ones I hoped would. He gave me a confused look, the loving smile started to drop.

“Phil that was meant to be the part where you say yes and we pop the champagne,” his voice wavered on the word yes. I frowned, tears in my eyes, I ruined what was meant to be a happy moment.

“Phil, you know I love you immensely right,” Dan said, his eyebrows wrinkled with concern. I nodded, “I’m here with my heart open to you, asking you to be with me for the rest of my life, so tell me, do you want to be with me forever?”

_This isn't real. I never let myself hope, never let myself dream that this was a possibility. Even though we’ve been together two years now, I never let myself think about the future. Dan’s the dreamer, thinking of the glorious things ahead, he always talks of having a family with me and a dog and a forever home. How could I let myself dream of the future when the present was so uncertain? I’m stuck in my brain and my brain is screaming at me that this isn’t forever, that I'll never be good enough and Dan’s only pretending to love me. After all, how could anyone love someone like me?_ A tear rolled down my cheek and hit me on the hand. The feeling pulled me out of my thoughts, the real present came into focus. Dan looked at me, his eyes pleaded for me to listen and a calm settled on my mind. _Dan is here with his heart open to me, looking past all that. Looking past my flaws and failures, looking past the pretend and to the real me, the me that doesn't plaster a smile on his face when he's sad. He looks past my childishness and my self doubt and anything else I could stand here and pick apart. He loves me regardless, flaws included. So how could I stand here, and say no?_

“Yes,” I whispered, but in my heart it felt like I shouted, like it came out all in one rush, burst from the seems from the corners of my brain, finally out in the open. He reached up and wiped a tear off my face, a tiny smile back on his lips.

“Yes?” he whispered back, the sound louder than the breeze over the ocean and louder than the voices in my head. There was a sense of excitement in his voice, and a real genuine smile on my lips, the true feelings I’d had shone through.

“Yes.” I said with more conviction and I tackled him back onto the sand and peppered his face with kisses, wanting him to know that I loved him just as much as he loved me. He kissed me back with full force, the weight of our commitment locked in our lips.

“Why did you hesitate?” he asked when my hands had found themselves back into his messy locks and his hand back on my chest, settled into the sand.

“I panicked, my thoughts told me you didn’t love me but I then realised that I love you and you love me more than anyone could or should love a person and I want the world to know we’re in love,” He smiled up at me and reached over to where the box had been discarded when I tackled him and took out the ring. I held up my hand in the small space between our bodies, the ring glistened against the low light from the moon. A simple golden band engraved with half a star slipped onto my finger.

“I have the same ring back at the hotel with the other half of the star,” I looked up at the stars, thanking them that we could be here tonight underneath them, as Dan had told me he often did. Then I looked back down to Dan’s eyes where I told him once that’s where the stars rest and kissed him again. _Of course Dan, of all people, would have a ring made that is that cheesy._

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” I said over and over and I rested my head against his, our hearts full of love and our lives committed to each other forever.

~~

The next morning a girl from the hotel staff would enter the room to two boys with glistening rings on their fingers and soft smiles on their lips even in sleep, still tangled up in bed at midday, a trail of sandy footprints from the door to the bed. She’d leave the room to clean for later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I write about the sand bank just so I could have them kiss underwater? Why yes I did  
> (also the quote that Dan almost said in his proposal is I’ll keep you safe by Sleeping at last and I listened to it over and over while I wrote this part)  
> Also how amazing is the art!! Thank you [zimorska](https://zimorska.tumblr.com/) again!


	7. You were always there for me

_I wanna live with you_   
_Even when we're ghosts_   
_Cause you were always there for me_   
_When I needed you most_

~~

I heard Phil walk into the room and stop suddenly. It was expected, I had made quite a scene. The envelope was torn into a million shreds, scattered across the floor. The glass of water I’d been holding when I opened the letter smashed on the floor, shattered into tiny pieces, water everywhere. Dried tears from heaving sobs were stuck to my face and the letter was still clutched in my hands, in a deathly white grip. I heard him hesitate as if trying to decide if he should intervene.

“Go away Phil,” I said, making the decision for him. I gripped the paper tighter in my hand, which only caused tears of frustration to gather in the corners of my eyes. He didn’t listen to my plea, instead I heard him place the bag of groceries down on the floor. I still waited for him to oblige, waited for the shuffle of his steps, and the close of the door, to be left alone. Instead there was a deafening silence, so quiet you could hear the sound of my tears hitting the paper.

“What’s in your hands?” The paper crinkled in my hands, a sound that would usually go unnoticed, but due to the quiet of the room, amplified and rung in my ears.

“Nothing,” my voice cracked and wobbled over the single word. The tears of frustration dropped off my face, frustration at them, frustration at myself for letting myself get this upset, frustration at phil for not leaving me alone.

“It’s clearly not nothing,” I wanted to scream at him, tell him to fuck off, throw things at the wall. I scrunched up the paper and threw it in his general direction. I clutched my knees to my chest and waited. The paper unfolded, a pause, then a small gasp.

“ _Daniel, thank you for your wedding invitation. We cannot attend as we cannot support your choice to marry a man_.” Another pause. I'd read it over and over, the next part was the worst, the part where they said I was no son of theirs. Until he read it out it hadn't felt real but hearing the words come out of his mouth solidified it. It wasn’t a dream. They really did write that, they really did ruin any chance of me having a loving family.

“Oh Dan,” I didn't notice he'd moved until he was behind me, down to my place on the floor, he didn't care if he got soaked by the water or cut by the glass, he just wanted to hold me. He placed his arms around me and held me and rocked me back and forth like he use to when we were younger. A fresh set of tears made their way down my face, my family was never going to accept us, never going to accept me. My mind played the words of the letter over and over in my head. Phil hummed, our favourite song The Promise of the World. I still remember when I played it for the first time, the day we moved into our apartment. When he thought I was going to leave him but how could I ever leave someone like him. Soon my sobs had reduced to sniffles and the soaked floor had begun to dry. Phil ran out of songs to hum, but still held me and stroked my hair, waited for me to be okay. I moved slowly and turned around to face him. He had tears of his own on his cheeks that I wished more than anything I hadn’t caused. My pain was his pain.

“Do you love me Dan?” I nodded and hoped it was enough to communicate just how much I do. I wouldn’t be able to stop loving him even if I wanted to.

“Then that’s all that matters, just because they,” he gestured to the letter discarded on the floor, “share the same blood as you, they can’t tell you how to live your life.” He looked deep into my eyes, his stare so intense I had to look away. There was a level of anger present I hadn’t known Phil to possess, who knew he was this protective of me. His anger only fueled mine.

“I thought they would have changed by now? We’ve been together for three years, can’t they see that we’re in love?!” I yelled towards but not at Phil. I closed my eyes, not wanting to let myself shed tears over this anymore. He rested his forehead against mine and gave me a quick kiss.

“We don’t need them, we have our own chosen family. You have Louise, PJ, and so many more friends that love and care about you more than those idiots do,” I thought of Louise with her new baby, Pj and Sophie, people that loved and cared about us. And Phil, my thoughts fluttered around him and loving memories of our time together. Big moments of our relationship, like the day we met or when we agreed to move in with each other or when I proposed, to little things like his tongue between his teeth or how you could go swimming in his eyes or his voice early in the morning or when he held me when I cried. He was always there for me when I needed him most, and he was right, I didn’t need my family to accept me to love Phil. _I love Phil with all my heart, and their homophobia is not going to stop me from marrying the man I love._ A real genuine smile formed on my lips, full of love, full of nothing but adoration for the boy in my arms.

“I wanna be with you forever,” I said, happily, grossly, totally in love. _There’s nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with Phil. So fuck my family._

“I wanna be with you even when we’re ghosts,” he said and I shook my head at him, only we could be this cheesy and cliché.

“I love you Phil,” he pecked me on the cheek and used his thumb to wipe away any leftover tears.

“I love you too,” he whispered. We sat for another moment, just happy to be in each other's arms until he suddenly remembered something and he looked back to the bags he’d dropped earlier.

“I got you a present!” I raised my eyebrows, this wasn’t like Phil. He never bought me presents and would never let me buy him expensive gifts unless it was a special occasion. I tried to remember if I’d missed an important date while he jumped up and went over to the bags.

“Do you remember last week when we had an argument over what flowers we wanted?” I nodded, although he has his back turned to me, he knew that I knew. It was one of our more heated arguments, over flowers of all things. He turned around and held out the offending flower in his hands. Sunflowers.

“No. Fucking. Way. I hate sunflowers.” He smiled and waved them around in my face as I swatted them with my hands.

“Why do you hate sunflowers?”

“Well they’re pretty, but they’re really tall and they’re like really thick and hairy,”

“Hairy?”

“The leaves they’re not like delicate pretty flowers, they’re like gnarly, bristly,”

“But they’re so bright,”

“They’re too big, they’re a bit scary, they’re way too bright and they’re just huge, look at them,” he humored me and looked at the sunflowers, but the smile on his face didn’t change.

“That’s a shame, I just ordered a whole bunch for the wedding,” he dropped the hated flowers into my lap, _how dare he order these large, obnoxious flowers with their big stem and big face and pretty yellow, delicate petals that look really nice against my black jeans._

“You did not!” He laughed and knelt down to the floor and squished my cheeks.

“But they make you look so cute,” he said in a high pitched voice and he gave me one of his looks, the one he knew I couldn’t resist. Phil always got his way. And not that I’d ever tell him, but they are pretty, and they would look really nice with our black suits.

“I can’t believe you made such an important decision without me,” I whined, but he knew I had given in and he’d gotten his way. He let go of my face to grab the flowers from my lap, delicately picked off a petal and let it fall to the floor dramatically.

“Yes, flowers, a very important decision,” He reached out his hand to pull me up and I let him lead me into the kitchen, while he told me about his adventure to the store, where some man woofed in his ear and he ended up buying a kinder egg because they didn’t have any soy sauce.

~~

Later unknown to Dan, Phil would go back into the lounge, clean up the mess and throw out the crumpled and smudged letter, that had sat forgotten on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took the discussion about sunflowers straight from words the real dan said, I can’t believe he hates sunflowers


	8. So I wrote this song for you

_I'm gonna love you til_  
_My lungs give out_  
_I promise till death we part_  
_Like in our vows_  
_So I wrote this song for you_  
_Now everybody knows_  
_That it's just you and me_  
_Until we're grey and old_  
_Just say you won't let go_  
_Just say you won't let go_

~~

“Hi,” I quickly turned around when I heard the familiar voice. His back was turned towards me and he had his hand out waving awkwardly.

“What are you doing?” I asked, watching him with a bemused smile on my lips. We’d been together so many years and yet he never failed to surprise me with his weird and wonderful brain.

“We’re not suppose to see each other?” He said, but he himself was questioning what the hell he was doing. Phil had been following all the weird and wonderful wedding superstitions which I’d obliged with as I knew it would make him happy but even he knew they were a little bit ridiculous.

“I thought that was just for the straights,” he laughed, a real genuine Phil laugh, that never failed to put a smile on my face. There was an ever present smile on my cheeks that day, _how could I not be happy, I was marrying the love of my life._ The love of my life that tried and failed to walk backwards towards me with his arms outstretched. He only took two steps before he hit a foot stool and tumbled to the floor.

“Phil,” I said, in a half laugh, fond kind of way. He looked up at me with a dazed smile. I leant down to his level, his face upside down to mine and gave him a kiss.

“You’re my Spiderman,” he said and a snort laugh erupted from my lips.

“Come on Phil, let’s get married,”

~~

“Daniel, would you like to begin?” I nodded and looked back to Phil. As soon as we made eye contact the words were lost from my brain. I had to take a breath, pause and collect my thoughts before I ruined the vows I’d been practicing for months.

“Phil,” I said and with one word, my voice had already turned to mush, he squeezed his fingers in mine and I continued.

“You've made me the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I love you. Plain and simple. I promise to never leave you, even when things get tough. I promise to love you, quirks and all. And I promise that I’ll always love you. I want to be by your side every day. I want to stay with you until we’re grey and old. I love you and I’m gonna love you til my lungs give out,” I’d decided to keep it short and simple, but full of the most cheesiness I could, I couldn’t help it I was just this sappy when it came to Phil. He smiled at me, a smile full of warmth and love and I could see the start of tears in his eyes. He could say anything to me in his vows, that he secretly hated me, that the wedding was off, but I wouldn’t believe him for a second, not when he looked at me like that. He once told me that he sees the stars in my eyes and I honestly believe him, the look on his face was enough.

“Phil,” Louise whispered from next to me and it snapped us out of just looking at each other in silence. _God, our friends must find us so annoyingly in love._

“Dan,” the unshed tears in his eyes tumbled out at just my name and we both laughed, overcome with such mushy, sappy love.

“Dan, I’ve done a lot of things I regret in my life, but choosing to marry you and be with you is not one of them. If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever,”

“Did you just quote Winnie the Pooh?”

“Yes, now let me be cheesy for once,” I rolled my eyes, a full laugh erupted from my lips. We were literally both in tears over the most cheesy, most sappy, most lovey dovey vows you could ever write.

“As if we’re never cheesy,” he snuffles his head into my chest, trying to hide his blushing cheeks and giggles from the laughing crowd.

“Stop flirting and let me finish my vows,” he whispered in my ear, I giggled and raised my eyebrows, speaking in the silent way we do telling him to continue.

“I’ll promise you the world, if I can be your Sophie and you can be my Howl,” If the smile on my face could get any bigger, it did. He’d filled his vows with things like Winnie the pooh and our song The Promise of the World little things that reminded him of me and things only we understood because our love was our own and not for anyone else.

“I love you Dan, and a world where I don’t love you is a world I don’t want to live in,”

“I love you too, you spork,” I gave into the urge I’d had the entire time we’d been up there and quickly kissed on the lips. He immediately pushed me away, Phil and his superstitions, waiting for the words to be said. His eyes said _wait_ but I knew I’d seen his lips pucker.

“Do you Philip Lester, take Daniel Howell in sickness and in health, til death do you part?”

“I do,”

“Do you Daniel Howell, take Philip Lester in sickness and in health, til death do you part?”

“I do,”

“You may kiss the groom,” Phil’s hand that had been pushing me away gently, now gripped onto my tie, pulled me in quickly and he kissed me all the love he could give.

~~

“Everyone welcome, for their first dance as a married couple, Daniel and Philip Lester.” I sent PJ a smile to where he was on stage as we entered. I held Phil on my arm and proudly walked us out onto the dance floor. Even with all the attention and noise and cheers around us I couldn't keep my eyes of him, we were still stuck in our own little world. Of course for our first dance we had to pick our song, The Promise of the World. We debated about it for so long, about people's perceptions of us and what this song said about us, but in the end we remembered it was our wedding and if we wanted to dance to the most cheesy song, why not? We came to a bit of a compromise, Phil insisted we took dance lessons so at least we would look good. I took my place by him, one arm around his waist, the other held his hand tight in mine. There was a spotlight on us and everyone was watching Phil and I. Phil and Dan against the world. I stared into his eyes and I knew I had a goofy smile across my lips but I couldn’t help it, he looked so beautiful. When the first note of the song begun, played by a professional pianist on my request, we began our dance. We swayed around the dance floor with what I hoped was grace, and luckily we didn’t trip over each others’ feet like we did so many times in practice. I couldn’t help myself in the last part of the song and abandoned our dance to pull him close and kiss him. His fingers threaded into my hair and ruined the style, but I couldn’t bring myself to care, he could ruin my hair ten times over, I just wanted to share my love with him in every way possible.

“Hey Dan,” Phil said, once we pulled apart when a familiar hand on my chest had pushed me away, reminding me of the audience cheering around us.

“Yeah,”

“I love you,” I went to respond, maybe kiss him again but there was a cough from the stage.  
“And now Daniel will perform a song,” PJ interrupted us over the speakers and said his line in the thing that I’d been planning for months. Phil’s face lit up, a smile of pure excitement and shock. A thrill of excitement and nerves buzzed in my chest.

“Is this what you’ve been doing when you told me you were going to the gym?” I nodded, and a laugh erupted from behind us. We turned to see Louise laughing, holding her little baby and our flower girl Darcy by her side.

“As if Dan would go to the gym,” she said and we shared a laugh. I slowly unlatched myself from Phil, who in typical Phil fashion, tried to reach for me and cling to my clothes but it was my time to go onto the stage. I took my spot at the piano and ran my hands over the keys, the tune bounced around in my head. I wasn’t a stranger to performing, with my new-found career playing the piano I’d done a few gigs, but it was nothing compared to being up here. The tightness in my chest multiplied a thousand times. I scanned my eyes over the crowd, a small group of our closest friends and Phil’s family. I swallowed down the pang of sadness when I thought about about the lack of my own family. The only one who’d come was my grandmother, who sent me a big thumbs up from her chair. My eyes then looked to Phil, who had one of Louise’s arms wrapped around him and he had tears in his eyes, but the biggest smile on his lips. I sent a smile back to him before I turned to the piano and played the first note.

_“I met you in the dark,”_

~~

“So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows that it’s just you and me until we’re grey and old,”

“Just say you won’t let go,” the last note on the piano rung out in the hall. I looked out to the crowd, silent for a moment before they erupted into cheers. I tried to look for Phil, but he wasn’t by Louise’s side anymore. I scanned the hall, but he wasn’t anywhere in sight. I had half a second of confusion before I was tackled from behind. Phil wrapped his arms around my waist, giving me the jump scare of my life.

“I won’t, I won’t let go,” he hugged me tighter against his chest, and I cradled his arms in my own. He had tear marks on his cheeks, I reached up to wipe them away, and he half laughed, half cried and pulled me in for a kiss. _I don't think it’s possible to love someone else as much as I love him._ I rested my head against his and basked in this moment. I wanted to hold onto it forever, the feeling of warmth in my chest. I couldn’t believe this was real, three years ago, I never would have imagined that I could be this happy. Here I was now in a room of people who loved and cared about me with a man that loves me in my arms, and I wouldn’t change any of it, not for one second.

~~

Louise watched the two boys, their tenth dance for the night, or dancing as an excuse to be in each other's arms. She watched with a smile as they were unable to keep themselves apart, thankful she’d gotten Dan to that party, three Halloweens ago.


	9. Just say you won't let go

_Just say you won't let go_  
_Oh, just say you won't let go_

~~

“I think it’s time we got a dog,” I bounded into the room, phone shoved into my husbands face, pictures of rescue dogs that needed a home up on the screen.

“I’ve told you Phil, we can’t get a dog until we have a big enough home,” he turned away from his computer to me, the latest track he was producing up on the screen. I hated to pull him away from his work, especially when he was in the zone, but I couldn’t help it today. I’d been buzzing with excitement all morning and I couldn’t contain it anymore. He gestured to our apartment, a slight upgrade from our first flat but still not a home, no backyard, no room for a dog or an extra little person one day.

“A forever home, yes I know,” I stood there, waiting to reveal. I wanted to shout it at him right away but I knew it would annoy him to play like I was holding it in. He raised an eyebrow waiting for me to give in like I usually did.

“Do you remember that house we used to drive past on the way to Louise’s?” he nodded. We drove past every time we went to visit and it always had a ‘for rent’ sign out the front, the price out of our weekly budget. We even went in when they had an open home, it was beautiful, three bedrooms, a little art studio in the garden, a huge backyard too. I flicked back a webpage on my phone and shoved it into his hands. He sighed, preparing himself to tell me again that it was out of our budget. He gave one disinterested look, before he did a double take and looked at it more closely, his eyes lit up.

“It’s for sale!” He nearly dropped my phone, a new found hope shone in his eyes.

“And since you’ve gotten that huge break with the record label I think we can afford it,” his gaze flickered from the phone to my face, disbelief on his features.

“No way,” he paused, taking in a breath, lost for words, “Phil, this is our dream home!”

“I know! I’ve been watching the listing for months, and keeping track of our earnings. While you we’re off busy in the studio, I was finding us a home,” he swiveled around the chair, back to the computer and looked at the music on his computer, stuff I’d never be able to understand, as if to think about everything I’d said. He turned back around to me, tears started to form in his eyes.

“Is this really it, are we moving into a forever home?”

“I think so!” he jumped out of his seat and took me into my arms. In his moment of excitement, he went to pick me up and spin me around, but we were too tall for that. Our legs tangled together and sent us to the floor with a thump. I rubbed my head but I didn’t really feel the pain, too much adrenalin in my veins.

“Are you okay?” he asked between breaths and giggles.

“More than okay!” Then, he kissed me and my heart still managed to do that flippy over thing even after all these years.

~~

  
Susan bounded into the art studio and jumped around happily. I put my paintbrush down to give her a scratch behind the ear, _she may be missing a leg but I still love her._ I sat down onto my chair and continued to give her a pat in my beautiful studio. It still managed to amaze me, I had an entire wall of paints, shelves full of plants, and the biggest easel to paint on. Our second piano was in the corner, where Dan sometimes played for me while I painted. After getting his job with the music label, almost immediately they’d set him up with one of our favourite artists, Troye Sivan, to play piano for his sixth album. Who knew posting his beautiful piano covers on YouTube would’ve lead to that? And with his connections to Troye, I’d been given the job of painting his album cover, a homage to his first album with Troye standing in a field of roses. I was doing the final touches now, Dan told me everyday how much he loved it. Speaking of Dan, there was a knock at the door.

“What is that?” I said, gesturing to the large box Dan carried in his hands as he entered the room.

“Hello, to you to,” he came over to me, gave me a quick kiss as he usually did when he got home and placed the box in my lap. It was quite big, but I still gave a failed attempt at shaking it. I gave Dan a weird look as we had rules about buying presents without some sort of reason, like an anniversary. _Have I forgotten something important?_ I gave in to my curiosity and tore the paper off quickly. I read the ‘make your own cot’ label and gasped.

“We’ve been approved,” I stared at the box for a moment longer, my heart rate picked up pace, disbelief on my face. _This can’t be real!_ We’d been applying to adopt a child for what felt like years. I looked up at Dan, tears in my eyes to match the ones on his face already. Tears of happiness, tears of excitement, tears of waiting, finally over.

“She’s going to be born in 3 months. I just got the call today, we’re meeting the mother next week!” I jumped out of my seat, the cot fell to the floor and I clung onto Dan. Susan jumped and barked happily at our feet. _We’re going to be dads._

~~

“Can you believe it?” he cradled her in his arms as I admired her face, fast asleep. She was so small, smaller than I ever thought a baby could be. We’d put her in the outfit we’d chosen to bring her home in even though it didn’t fit her and made her look even smaller. It had tiny little pumpkins all over it, perfect for Halloween.

“She’s not real,” I placed my hand over hers, her whole hand was only big enough to wrap around my finger.

“I feel like she’s going to break every time I hold her,” he said, a look of total adoration on his face, a look that up until that moment had only been reserved for me. A look that said he was going to protect her and love her and care for her with all of his heart. A look on my own face to match only I was watching at him.

“Can I hold her now?” I whispered, soft, like even the volume of my voice could break her. He smiled at me when he noticed I’d obviously been staring at him, I couldn’t help it, he looked so happy. He gently moved her away from his chest towards me.

“Just say you won’t let go,” our little saying, something we started the first year we met and we continued to say all these years later, the lyrics of Dan’s song for me still played in my head.

“I won’t.”

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my Phandom BigBang fic! I hope you enjoyed it let me know what you think! If you really loved it and would like to make my day please nominate this for the songfic category of the [Phanfic Awards!](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/)  
>   
> Here’s a list of all the songs I used (all of which remind me of Dan and Phil):  
> Perfect by Ed Sheeran  
> Shape of You by Ed  
> There for You by Troye Sivan  
> Malibu by Miley Cyrus  
> The Quiet by Troye  
> The Promise of the World from Howl's Moving Castle  
> One Summer's Day from Spirited Away  
> I’ll Keep You Safe by Sleeping at Last  
> And of course Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr [here](https://troyiesivanie.tumblr.com/) to see if I'll be writing again soon!  
> Once again thank you to my beta crypticgf and my artist zimorska! And once more thank you so much for reading :)


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